


You were close

by JotunVali



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek - Various Authors, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anal Sex, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Depressed Bones, Drunk Bones, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional reunion, Friends to Lovers, Hurt Leonard "Bones" McCoy, M/M, Morning Sex, Shower Sex, Slow Burn, Slow Dancing, implied depression, implied mcspirk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-20
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:15:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 34,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26017138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JotunVali/pseuds/JotunVali
Summary: Jim thinks about his first mission as Admiral. He thinks about McCoy, how he's dealing with the loss of a loved one. Rather two loved ones.Maybe three.But no. Jim will do anything in his power so Bones' number of losses remains at two.
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Leonard "Bones" McCoy
Comments: 30
Kudos: 35





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> After reading the novel "The Lost Years" of J.M. Dillard, I was sobbing so much at McCoy's non-stop and crescendo pain and depression thoughout all the story -and at Kirk's surprising lack of sympathy for him, but the author clearly is a Spones shipper-, I yearned to write some kind of fix-it for it.  
> Cause damn, what sweet Bones needed at LEAST after all the horrible shit he's put up with was a fucking HUG! Is a bit of comfort and human warmth too much to ask for?

> You _were_ close.
> 
> Her use of past tense threw him: she spoke of McCoy as if he was dead. No. She had said it because his and McCoy’s friendship belonged to the past, back with his memories of the Enterprise… and that realization wasn’t a pleasant one.
> 
> McCoy’s friendship was worth more, after all, than command, worth more than any lifeless collection of metal and bolts.

**J.M. Dillard, Star Trek, _"The Lost Years”_ , 1989.**

* * *

11 pm.

Jim was sipping the apple-tasting alcohol he and Lori had got from the Inari delegation. What an unusual yet so common way here on Earth to thank the Federation. They had received so much of it he and Admiral Ciana had offered some to Admiral Nogura, who had politely declined due to his strict habit to drink only tea. The prospect to see Nogura actually drunk made Jim giggle and shuddered in sheer fright at the same time. Who knew what the “God” of Starfleet could do when drunk? He was scary and almighty enough when sober.

Jim knew someone on a sharp contrast with Nogura who’d been drinking like a fish these last months. That thought ripped him from all will to laugh. McCoy. Bones. Was it possible for one man to put up with such an inhumane amount of misery, pain and despair in only one life, in only a couple of days as for McCoy? The fact Jim himself didn’t help Bones at all to feel better pushed the fresh Admiral deeper into a dark, murky abyss. He sighed. When was Bones now? Had he stayed on Vulcan? Probably not. Too many terrible memories there and Bones couldn’t stand the heat.

On his own in this large, empty house, Jim had all the room and time for -or against- him to remember and brood over his last, or rather second-to-last conversation with him. Yes, he had felt mad at the doctor for coming barking at none other than Nogura and calling Admiral Ciana a “whore” and a “witch” after hearing about Jim’s promotion as Admiral but that was at the moment. Now Jim was alone, now days, weeks had gone by… now everything was clear. First Bones already was drunk when he came screaming at Nogura, second, he was heartbroken after he learnt Natira had remarried, and third, well… he just had kept his promise to Jim. If Nogura promoted Jim as Admiral, Bones would personally roar at “God” and resign from Starfleet. Jim had accepted the promotion, Bones had roared and resigned. The same couldn’t be said of Jim. He’d firmly asserted, to Bones and Spock, he would never accept that promotion, that he would always remain a captain, that he’d rather resign than becoming an admiral… and it had sufficed for Lori Ciana to bait him with an actually better and bolder job than a mere desk job to have him change his mind, betray his own word and somehow betray Bones and Spock too.

Now he understood why Spock had sounded a bit distant with him last time they’d talked together. The last time of them all now Spock had become a disciple of Kolinahr. He also guessed the booze and Natira weren’t the only reasons for Bones' berserker rage when both had talked about Jim’s promotion. He sighed again. Maybe, _maybe_ he had been too harsh on him. Just like Spock, Bones had felt betrayed by Jim’s decision. With the slight difference Bones wasn’t the kind of person to keep his anger for himself. Jim bit his lip in regret. He regretted so bitterly all the horrible things he’d told Bones back then. Now he knew Bones had already been immensely suffering back then, and was to suffer a thousand times more afterwards, it hurt even more. 

“You didn’t have to do it behind my back!”

 _Said the duncel who stabbed the back of his best friends._ Jim gulped down his caustic alien booze.

“I’ll try to pretend I’m not angry that you didn’t come to me first.”

He _had the right to be angry at_ you _! Not the reverse, you conceited ass!_

“Dammit, Jim! You _swore_ a dozen times that nothing could ever make you do it!”

“Did you ever stop to consider maybe _you_ were the biased one? Maybe you couldn’t stand for it all to end! Maybe you just wanted everything to stay as it was, all of us still the Enterprise. Well grow up, doctor! Times change!”

_Said the stupidhead who’d just daydreamed about being on the Enterprise again just by taking a fucking lift!_

Yes, even if Jim didn’t regret accepting his promotion after all, what he wished for above anything else was to be a captain again, preferably on the Enterprise. And he had had the nerve to claim it was the wish of someone _else_ ! _Bones_ on top of that! The one who’d always hated living in space and who’d applied in Starfleet out of spite!  
If Spock had been there with them, maybe he could have prevented Jim from behaving like such a bastard with the sweetest doctor ever, doctor who had made Jim all starry-eyed when telling him he’d made everything in his power so Nogura would never promote Jim. And how had Jim thanked him? By betraying him and treating him like shit. As if Natira’s betrayal hadn’t been enough. By abandoning him. Jim would have loved showing his endless gratitude to Keridwen Llewelyn for taking care of Bones, for having been there for him. For doing Jim’s job in a nutshell. But she was gone too.

Jim didn’t notice at once the teardrop that was dripping from his eye. Bones had made it clear he wanted to be left alone but… was it really what he needed? Jim painfully remembered his shattered face, the tears soaking his cheeks and burning his eyes, his dull voice while watching powerlessly Dwen dying. Jim could have sworn back then Bones had definitely lost his mind due to the inhumane pain and would end up his life in an asylum. What a way to go for a doctor! Why? Why did such a sweet man attract the most terrible, most painful events to him? Bones was the last person in the galaxy to deserve all the horrors which had dropped down on him these last days.  
When they had talked about Natira, Bones already was drowning in guilt, blabbering how “selfish” he was, now… now… Jim wondered out of which miracle Bones had survived the monstrous pain he had felt at Dwen’s death. Now Bones must feel crushed, grinded under a ten thousand times heavier guilt. On the journey back to Vulcan, Bones had kept muttering endlessly “It should have been me. It should have been me.”. Jim had hugged him tight as much, as often as he could but it had been like Bones had forgotten about everything except Dwen. It was like he had lost Bones forever. Like Bones was dead. 

That thought struck Jim like a ferocious thunderbolt. Was it why because Bones had told him, told everyone, even his daughter to leave him alone?

_No._

_No, no, no, no, no._

And once again, Jim hadn’t been with him.

Once again, Jim had _abandoned_ him!

_Dammit, Jim! He’s not just your doctor! He’s your friend!_

Jim grabbed his coat and rushed to the front door. He’d call Joanna on his way to McCoy’s house.

 _He has_ always _been there for you. And how did you show your gratitude? By letting him down like a broken glass! By pushing him out of your life!_

His heart sank with sheer fright. He would be the drowning in guilt one if what he feared actually happened. But before swinging his door open, he heard a ring from there. Who was it now? He really didn’t have time for a visitor now! Whoever that might be! Even Ciana or Nogura! He ragefully gripped on the handle, ready to scream at the nagger to fuck off.


	2. Chapter 2

“I have no time! I must go to-” He stopped when he noticed the visitor was none other than the person he was about to move heaven and earth for.

“Bones?” Jim gasped in surprise, disbelief and joy.

“Nuh, dizzez the daemn Queen of Inglahnd, sooweet-hert.” The doctor, visibly drunk as fuck jabbered in response.

Jim glanced down. His friend was gripping on a bottle of that cursed Saurian brandy. Probably cut with Glenfiddich or something really rougher than mere brandy, like Romulan ale. Jim’s first intention was to rip the bottle away from Bones’ hand, shatter it down and severely lecture the doctor. But he recalled quickly this wasn’t what Bones needed now. Or deserved. He sighed.

“Come in, Bones. It’s cold.” He offered his hand.

“Cold? Nah, _das_ not cold, babe. Was cold iz yohr damn adeechude tawdz meh!” Bones blurted out.

Jim couldn’t prove him wrong.

“Am yo queen, for Heavahn sayke! Yo don’ treat queenz dat way!” Bones squawked in offence.

“Well, if the Queen would do me the unfathomable honour to enter my home, if you please?” Jim insisted, extending his hand.

Bones glared at the hand, dubitative, then loosely grasped it. Jim had to use his other hand to prevent the doctor from falling backwards. He pulled on Bones’ arm so strongly they both ended up falling anyway. With the exception it was on Jim’s back. Bones hugged him like a content child.

“Aww, yoh’re a kind, devotehd subject ‘fterall.” He purred.

“You bet I am, your Majesty. But I suggest, as my back is urging it, that we both stand back on our feet.”

They did so. After a long, awkward silence, Bones finally came back to his senses, or so he looked.

“You’re… probably wondering what the heck I’m doing in front of your house. This late. With…” He glanced back at his bottle. “... that.” He shamefully concluded.

“I’m not.” Jim half-lied. “I’m even grateful you’re here.” He truly meant it while smiling. “I was about to look for you…” He put back his coat on the rack. “...and here you are popping up at my front door!” He fakely beamed. He was so relieved Bones was alive but still concerned about his well-being. 

“Yeah… sometimes fate does good things.” Bones grimly replied, looking away, remembering Dwen’s fortune-telling. So much _‘fortune’_ indeed! He swallowed another gulp of brandy.

“Maybe you should give that to me.” Jim extended his hand, waiting for his friend to give up that fucking poison, at least for tonight.

“Maybe I shouldn’t.” Bones protested.

Jim didn’t reply. He simply held his stare on the diluted with pain once bright blue eyes. Like saying “I will not move from here, I will not do anything before you give that fucking bottle to me.”. To Jim’s surprise, Bones gave him the brandy quite easily. 

“Thank you.” Jim only breathed but genuinely meant it.

“Ain’t it whiskey there?” The tipsy doctor pointed at the table.

“Oh. No. I don’t remember the name but it comes from Djana. Courtesy of the local Council.”

“Ah yeah. Your first mission as troubleshooter. I would’ve applied for that if I knew it brought in free booze.”

“Stop the nonsense, Bones.” Jim asked kindly. “What you need is rest. Not this.” He grabbed his friend’s arm.

“Rest. Yes… That’s a nice perspective…” Bones morbidly implied.

“I forbid you, Bones!” Jim snapped. He sharply turned back and spoke with an almost imploring voice. “I firmly forbid you to do or even _think_ about what you’re intending to do!”

“You don’t forbid me no shit, Jim! You’re not my captain anymore, remember??” Bones screamed at Jim’s face. “You’ve stopped being my captain when _you_ willingly accepted that blasted promotion that used to repel you so much! Cause my opinion has always equalled rotten peanuts for you, hasn’t it?” He spat. “ On our missions, you never listened to me, and lately I have risked, oh let’s see… my career, my reputation and my fucking dignity as a human being to meet _your_ fucking wishes! And what do you do? You wipe your plump ass with all of these because Mister and Madam Admirals lured you with a shiny position!!” He exploded. “And after that you had the fucking nerve to be vexed at me! _You_ make _me_ feel guilty and say sorry! I… I guess your new doll really did catch your eye this time.” He lewdly implied.

“That’s not your business, Bones.” Jim gritted his teeth. He really had it with people who wanted to poke their nose in his private life but he also felt guilty of having spent more time with Lori Ciana, even off duty, than with McCoy, while the latter clearly needed Jim more, way more than Lori did.

“A shiny, important job and a sexy girl, here all what James T Kirk needs.” Bones fiercely groaned.

Jim refrained from slapping his friend. Because, Hell of Hells, that wasn’t true! But he had indeed made everything, even unconsciously, so that Bones, so that everyone believed it.

“You’re tired, Bones. You must sleep.” He mumbled, bottling his anger inside.

“Oh, and what must I do in return for your marvelous, selfless favor, boss?” Bones faked a bow. “Suck your dick?”

“Nothing at all, dumbass. Here, there is one bedroom here. Not mine, of course. Use it.”

“You’re not joining me, baby?” Bones poorly picked up.

“I’ll wait for you to sober up first. Tomorrow I’ll call your daughter.”

“You think she’ll answer? Or come all the way here just for her stranger of a father?”

“We won’t know unless we call her first, will we?”

“I guess so.” Bones answered with no trace of faith in his voice. Then he stared at Jim with a look the latter didn’t manage to decode. But the doctor had so pretty eyes Jim stared back at him anyway. “Night, Jim.” He opened the door.

“Good night, Bones.” Jim warmly replied but his friend already had closed the door.


	3. Chapter 3

1 am.

It’s been two hours Jim couldn’t fall asleep. Was the cause of his insomnia sleeping next door? Yes. Definitely. Some excitement for tomorrow’s next assignment had nothing to do with it. It even had left Jim’s mind long ago. He loved his new job yes, but… even forcing his thoughts towards it he couldn’t _not_ think about anything else than Bones. He really, _really_ hoped Bones wouldn’t do something stupid. Like taking a knife in the kitchen, or breaking a glass and… Jim squeezed shut his eyes in pure terror. No, he tried to reassure himself. Bones was too exhausted to even put a step in front of him. And Jim had confiscated his home-made moonshine. But what was asserting him Bones was asleep? What if he was like Jim, desperately awake? All alone with his cruel, destructive thoughts? Like when they had talked about Spock.

“He’s not taking the teaching position at Starfleet? I thought for sure… Can’t say I blame him. Not after the way I treated him.”

That memory crushed his heart. _Jim_ was the cause of Spock’s decision to stay on Vulcan, absolutely not Bones! And Spock _adored_ the doctor! It was so crystal clear! Clear for everyone except Bones! 

“If you want someone to torture, take me, not her!”

Jim faintly squeaked in sorrow under his blanket. Blanket he instantly threw off before putting on his nightgown and slippers. 

No. He wasn’t going to leave his friend all alone with that cruel voice in his head. He wasn’t going to abandon him this time!

He carefully, silently opened Bones’ door. He glanced in. Maybe Bones was sleeping after all. But the moment Jim intended to close the door and go back to his bedroom, his ear caught something he’d hoped, prayed God Almighty not to hear. He heard muffled but distinct squeaks and moans. Jim closed his eyes and frowned. Of course he was crying. Of course he was weeping because of the horrors and terrible losses he had been through in such a short period of time! One of those losses monstrously graphic! What was Jim expecting? 

_Why do you think he’s been drinking his ass off in the first place?_

He stepped in. Softly closed the door. Took a deep -and so heavy- breath in and walked to the sobbing doctor. Each step forward increased the heartbreaking and near-unbearable -at least for Jim- sound of Bones crying. At the bed’s rim, Jim stopped thinking and lost it. Maybe it was the worst and least thought idea he ever had in his life but he didn’t give a damn. He slipped in the bed, just behind the quivering back of his shattered friend. He slowly and softly hugged him from behind. It was like Jim had lost all control over his own arms. Here too, Bones didn’t seem to notice Jim’s touch, too busy sobbing his heart out. He sounded breathless, even choking. His heart was feeling like pounding hard. Which meant only one thing: he’d been crying since he’d gone to bed. For blasted _two_ hours. Which destroyed Jim inside. And he had done nothing to relieve Bones of his pain. He had rather done everything to make him feel worse.

 _What kind of friend am I, exactly?_ He wondered. _Am I seeing myself only as a soldier, a captain, nothing more? Damn, even Spock doesn’t consider himself only as a scientist! Oh Spock, where are you when I need you? When_ we _need you?_

But Spock would never come back. And both Jim and Bones had to deal with that. Also, Spock wasn’t the one to blame for Bones’ miserable state. Jim had to make up for his own mistakes. 

“Maybe _you_ were the biased one? Maybe you just wanted everything to stay as it was, all of us still the Enterprise. Well grow up, doctor! Times change!”

Only now he realized how much of a cruel, inconsiderate and ungrateful bastard he had been to Bones. His friend had made his passionate report to Nogura, criminalizing Jim’s promotion, only for Jim’s interests! Which the ex-captain knew well since the beginning. Bones even had screamed that into Mister “God”’s face.

“I’m talking about what’s best for Jim!”

Yet he had spat in his blue-eyed face he had actually made that report out of incompetence and pure selfishness! But the one who had wished to be back on the Enterprise, the one who had acted out of pure selfishness, with no consideration for his two closest friends, was Jim! Bones was the last person ever to act selfishly! 

_Even if times change, I never wanted to change that way! I never wanted that Admiral position to turn me into a… total opposite of what I want to be!_

Jim hugged the doctor slightly tighter. Feeling more with horror his skipping, fussing heart. 

“Bones…” Jim breathed against his neck, holding back his own tears.

“Don’t, Jim.” The doctor begged in a tired, tearful voice. “Please, don’t.”

What? He’d heard him enter-? Oh, who cared? At least, it felt less creepy.

“I couldn’t leave you all alone… didn’t want to abandon you…” Jim murmured.

“Ugh… go away. Don’ waste yer night and work for me.”

“Bones-” Jim started to protest.

“I ain’t worth it.”

“You are worth all my nights, all the work and jobs in the world, Bones. You hear me?” Jim claimed, finding more and more difficult to repress his tears.

“Course I do, your mouth is on my ear.” Bones dryly answered.

“Bones,... I’m sorry. If I… ever hurt you before, I’m truly sorry!” Jim expelled.

“Ye think _that’s_ why I’m wailing like a baby? If I should drink every time I felt offended by you... I assure you, Jim, you’re an angel compared to me…”

“You serious?” Jim refrained from screaming. When was the last time he’d felt that offended? “You…”

You _are a true angel! I’ve never met someone more angelic than you! You were the Enterprise’s,_ my _guardian angel! You still are an angel! How can you claim otherwise?_

“I’ve abandoned Natira. Abandoned my own daughter. I’ve been a terrible prick with Spock. Why do you think he decided to stay on Vulcan? I’ve… I’ve led Dwen, the only person who still had the patience and benevolence to care about me to her fucking death.”

“Bones, no…” Jim shook his head.

“Because every single time, I was too damn selfish to think about the consequences on other people!”

“Bones, you’re the least selfish person I know!” Jim implored, softly squeezing his friend’s weary body against him.

“If I had just stayed in my room at Gol, she wouldn’t have gone to save me! She wouldn’t have met that ancient, body-hijacking monster! She wouldn’t have been trapped on that damn ship! She wouldn’t have… she…” Bones burst into burning tears.

“You can’t know that, Bones… you can’t…” 

But the doctor no longer listened to him.

“Bones, she… did what she did because she _wanted_ to do it. You didn’t… force her.”

“She _had_ warned me not to go.” Bones sobbed. “She’d warned… An’ I didn’t listen to her! I didn’t...”

“It wasn’t your fault.” Jim kindly whispered. “It wasn’t.”

Without truly thinking, he kissed the doctor in the neck. Once. Twice. On his wet cheek. 

“Jocelyn was right. _You_ were right. I’m a dreadful selfish bastard.” The doctor bitterly chuckled. “Hell, if I ever made you kept your promise n’ made you refuse your promotion, maybe all of us, me, Spock, your rebels, your council, _all_ of us would be dead!”

“I’ve never said such an awful and false thing, Bones. If I ever implied it, I swear to you I did _not_ mean it.” Jim asserted, kissing the doctor’s neck again. “If you were such a horrible person, do you really think I’d have come to your rescue, on my own, and even after Spock forbade me to, saying he wouldn’t be able to protect me?” Jim couldn’t help smiling at that memory. He’d come to help, Spock had replied he had to be “protected”. Well, he guessed himself or Bones would have reacted the same way.

“That’s what happened with Dwen. I’ve put her, you and Spock in serious danger. Cause y’all had to still _care_ for me! Me, a… careless, unthoughtful, self-centered jerk!” Bones cried.

“Of _course_ we care for you!” Jim exclaimed like it was the most obvious fact in the world. “Because you’re everything but careless, let alone selfish! You’re the kindest, sweetest, most considerate and lovable person I know!” He cried out.

“You’re... the lovable one, Jim.” Bones slowly turned, rolled back to face and kissed Jim back. 

On the lips.

The Admiral gladly responded.


	4. Chapter 4

Despite the strong taste of brandy of the doctor’s mouth, Jim’s eagerness to kiss him was stronger. His heart pounded inside. Almost naturally, he cupped the wet cheek and kissed Bones lovingly. More than he had ever kissed anyone before. Except Spock maybe. And that made quite a  _ lot  _ of people! Bones, much to his surprise but certainly not displeasure, was as passionate as him. Maybe it just was the effects of the alien booze or Bones’ severe depression. After all, he only liked women, right? Maybe a bit Spock too. Bones just couldn’t love Jim. It was stupid. Especially after the way the Admiral had treated him. It was… illogical. The more Jim kissed him, the more he realized he was moaning in… despair? Joy? Desire? Like he was kissing the doctor as if his life depended on it. As if he  _ loved  _ it. Softly whispering his doctor’s name. Well, kissing one of his best friends wasn’t disagreeable but… that didn’t necessarily mean that… he was in  _ love  _ with Bones. Did it? Jim noticed his heart had been pounding and burning like hell for a moment now. Exactly like the first time he’d kissed Spock. Although kissing a Vulcan, kissing  _ Spock _ , was a total different thing! Burning like in a… bonfire. In a good, blissful way. Did he love Bones too? He couldn’t stop kissing him. Like nothing could ever stop him. With his thumb, he tried to chase away the tears of the doctor. Bones didn’t push him away. 

_ Please Bones, stop being sad. Stop being scared. Why did you have to live so many horrors? You’re the last person in this world to ever deserve what happened to you. Why does the world like so much to hurt you? Why did I have to help it? Why… Why did I have to wait for that to realize I’ve been loving you more than any woman, anyone I’ve ever met?  _

Jim didn’t notice the tear rolling down his cheek as he was keeping on tenderly kissing his doctor.

_ I’ll never leave you all alone again! I’ll always be there for you from now! So please, please…  _

Bones let go of his lips.

_ Please, stop feeling sad. _

He anxiously looked at him.

_ Please, don’t cry. Please, don’t cry. _ Jim prayed.

“Come now,” the doctor grumbled. “That position is atrocious.” He commented while sitting up.

Jim stared in puzzlement. He didn’t have time to theorize Bones sharply pulled on his nightgown. Soon, he was on his knees while his lips met the doctor’s again. He had to admit he liked it when Bones was the one to give orders. The fact Bones wanted it as much as Jim encouraged the Admiral to keep on. Yes, for once, and maybe from now on, Jim would listen and obey him. Something he should have done already long, long ago. He let go of Bones’ lips to kiss him on the cheek, then on the nape of his neck. A series of small, gentle pecks on the doctor’s neck. Doctor who softly squeaked at them. Jim couldn’t help thinking it was cute. As he couldn’t that Bones surely was thinking of someone else. Maybe he was thinking of Natira or… more probably late Keridwen. She had been his everything for months, almost a year. Something Jim couldn’t deny. Well, he would gladly let Bones call him “Dwen”, “Natira” or even “Jessica” if that made the doctor happy. He decided as he was keeping on pampering his friend’s neck like a romantic vampire. His arms slowly closed over the doctor’s back. One hand softly slid up to the back of Bones’ head, where Jim began to shyly stroke his hair. The other hand slid down to Bones’ loins. The Admiral wished he had more hands to caress his friend with. 

“Ah...Jim…” Bones whispered in delight.

The fiery Admiral stopped his kisses. He stared at Bones in confusion.

“Why the hell did you stop?” The doctor complained.

“I-I thought… you were thinking about Dwen.” Jim admitted.

“Of course I think about her.” Bones grunted as if it was obvious. Which effectively was. “That doesn’t mean I can’t tell the difference between you and her. I have depression, not hallucinations.” He wryly retorted.

_ Wha-? What?? _ The Admiral’s cheeks caught fire. So the doctor  _ liked  _ kissing him?? For the first time of his long experience of flirting with people, Jim was at a loss and clueless about what to do next. Yes, he wanted to carry on and Bones looked like he wanted it too but, was it the right thing to do? And it wasn’t what Jim had expected or planned! He tried to get back to his senses and looked back at the displeased doctor.

“So, uh… Want me to go on?” He timidly enquired.

“You bet it, Admiral.” Bones brightly smiled as an answer.

Damn. Even in such an awkward situation, even in a shadowed, almost pitch dark room, his smile was as beautiful, as dazzling as ever! Jim was glad, grateful his friend was still able to smile. It almost was a miracle. He was so happy he broadly grinned as well, before going back to lovingly hug and kiss his favorite doctor. He loved him. Yes, he loved him! And he was going to show him!

Soon he paused.

“Is… doing it off-clothes ok?” He shyly murmured in Bones’ ear.

“You damn little lecher…” Bones groaned. “Of course it is.” 

Jim smiled before he took off Bones’ grey sweater as  _ he  _ was untying Jim’s gown. The cloth graciously slid down the Admiral’s shoulders and arms. He laid down on Bones. He was excited and scared to death at the same time. It had been years, decades since he had done it with a human man. And he had never been in deep, sincere love like that with them. He cupped his beloved’s face and ardently, passionately kissed him. On his lips. On his throat. Pulling out faint, adorable moans from Bones every time.

“Hell, Jim…” 

The heated Admiral was glad there remained at least one thing to make him happy, or at least oblivious. He also was glad to be the one to give him that particular thing.


	5. Chapter 5

“You’re… you’re everything I… I’ve left…” Bones whispered as Jim was attempting a hickey on the side of his throat. He grunted. “In my… petty life.”

Jim interrupted his soft sucking. He stared right into the doctor’s washed out eyes.

“Don’t say that, Bones. That’s not true at all.” He asserted.

“Oh yeah? My first wife asked for divorce and won’t hear about me for decades, my daughter forgot about my existence, not that I blame her, Natira married someone else cause I expected her to wait for me like a good girl, I will never see or hear about Spock ever again and Dwen blew the fuck up right before my eyes cause she had the twisted idea to save my skin! I hate everyone in Starfleet and all of Starfleet hates me! So please, kind Admiral, do explain how you’re not the only person that’s left in my life??” The shattered doctor cried out.

“First, doctor, I _am_ still part of Starfleet. And I do _not_ hate you.” Jim was careful to emphasize on the ‘not’. “Second, most of Starfleet do not know, and so, _cannot_ hate you. Just as you can’t, reversely hate _all_ of them. Besides, Nogura personally told me he liked you.” Jim smirked.

“Well, the feeling is _not_ returned!” Bones dryly retorted.

Jim sighed.

“Is it why you’ve come all the way here?” He enquired.

“The fact I despise Mister God?” Bones frowned in puzzlement.

“Is your belief I’m the only thing left in your life why you’ve come here as loaded as a cargo ship?”

“I think… I’ve already answered that question.” Bones grouched.

Jim sighed again, both out of impatience and sympathy.

“I know, I know Jim!” Bones protested. “That’s a… lame, sordid excuse! I just… I’ve just stopped to think straight. Yeah… that’s what I did.” He deduced before letting a heavy, awkward silence settle in.

“Why did you even let me enter your house?” He finally asked, half-blaming the Admiral.

To his surprise, Jim took up his hands.

“Because you’ve taken care of me so many times, Bones.” He kissed the hands. “I think it’s only fair I take care of you at least once!”

Bones faintly smiled. That’s exactly what he had claimed to Dwen when she’d asked him in tears why he wouldn’t leave her alone. That had happened only a few months ago. She had disappeared only a few months ago.

“So it was a… payback for my previous services, is that it?” He arched an eyebrow.

“What? No!” Jim exclaimed. “Bones, why would you-?”

“Oh now that’s the blaze of my glory! I bring my best friend to screw me because I look lonely!” The doctor lamented.

“Bones, no! I would never-! What?” 

Had he heard it right? Bones thought he had _forced_ Jim to bed him?

“And here I thought I couldn’t do worse than making one friend, a woman I loved, horribly die for me!” Bones cried out. “Jim! How can you even remotely _like_ a jerk like me?” He croaked.

“Bones!” Jim half-angered half-frightened grabbed the doctor’s shoulders before switching to his wet cheeks.”You’re not-! Can’t you admit the fact that sometimes people do what they do because they just freely, willingly _want_ to do it? I accepted my promotion because I _wanted_ to! Dwen, Spock, me, we came to rescue you because we _wanted_ to! I’ve let you enter my home because I _wanted_ to! I-! I... ” Jim started to blush; more at the realization of it than at the act itself. “I’ve… kissed you because I _wanted_ to. Why is it so hard for you to understand that?” He slightly frowned. 

“Oh, I don’t know. The fact you already have someone in your life?” Bones lashed out; more on himself than on Jim.

Jim remembered it only now. He indeed was, officially, dating Admiral Ciana. They respected and admired each other, that was true, they even were physically attracted to each other, that also was true but… they weren’t really a couple. Jim was sure that if he broke out with her, she wouldn’t mind it much since her work and career mattered more than anything else for her. More than any kind of a marital life. Maybe Jim could, should… He softly, tenderly cupped Bones’ teary face.

“Bones…” He whispered. “There’s nothing serious between Lori and me.” He asserted.

“Really?” Bones dryly scoffed. “Then why are you referring to her by her birth name? I thought she was an Admiral too!”

“Because I-!” Jim didn’t know what to say.

“You know Jim, I first hated her because she was using you to achieve her personal goals… now I fucking loathe her from the very depths of my soul because…” The doctor’s eyes glimmered. “Because I can never have a chance with you because of her! And that… that’s just another proof…” His lips quivered as tears rolled down his face. “I’m the most terrible… abominably selfish bastard… that ever existed!” He screeched out. 

“Enough, Bones.” Jim held really hard from screaming or squeezing his friend against him until their, well, _bones_ cracked. “I expressly _forbid_ you to talk that way.” Jim ordered, already feeling a film of tears forming in the corner of his eyes. Hearing his precious friend self-flog like that stabbed his heart every time.

“You’re right. I… I’m sorry, Jim.” Bones tried to wipe away his tears with his wrist. “I shouldn’t… I definitely shouldn’t... It’s… It’s really not nice to talk that way about your girlfriend. I’m sorry.” He grossly sniffled. “See how much of a selfish, bitter prick I’ve become…”

What? He thought Jim was hurt by-! The Admiral lost it. He jumped on the doctor and held him, squeezed him tight in his arms.

“J-Jim?” Bones asked.

“You can… you can insult her all you want, Bones.” He creaked. He tried really hard not to burst in tears. “I don’t care. Not anymore. Also I don’t think… _she_ would mind it. By forbidding I meant…” He squeezed Bones’ frail body. He was so thin Jim was sure he could lift him up with only one hand. When was even the last time Bones had eaten? “I meant… stop talking about _yourself…_ that way. You’re everything but selfish… or a prick, Bones!” Jim croaked. “If only… if only you could see yourself… like I see you.” He frowned and squeezed shut his eyes. Shy tears slowly leaked away from them.

“An’ how…? How do you see me, Jim?” Bones muttered.

Jim opened his eyes wide and stared with an appalled, aghast look at him.

“Don’t you know?” He sincerely exclaimed.

“If I did, Jim, I don’t think I would ask.” His friend grouched.

“Bones, it’s so obvious!” Jim softly caressed his cheek.

“Well,... not to me.” Bones admitted, looking down at the floor.

That was the truth. Bones had no clue about what Jim might feel for him. If he only saw him as a friend, as a doctor, as someone expendable to his life… After all, they hadn’t even been in contact during their six-month leave or any other moment except during the episode of Bones’ abduction.

“Bones…” Jim lifted up his chin. “You raise me up... to more than I can be.”

Bones couldn’t help chuckling, half-amused half-bitter, at that.

“Is this how you picked up on Ciana? Quoting ancient poets?”

“I’m not joking.” Jim warmly smiled. “You do raise me up when I’m down. Every time I felt down, you were here to cheer up on me, to heal me. And yet I never… I’ve never bothered to do the same for you.” His smile faded down. “I think I… took you for granted. _That’s_ why I’ve let you enter, Bones. So _I_ take care of you, for once.” Jim softly smiled.

“That’s stupid.” Bones bit his lower lip hard as he dreadfully felt a threatening flood at the rim of his eyelids. “ _I_ am the doctor here. Not you.” He emotionally mumbled.

“But _I’m_ the one who loves you.” 

Neither of them could resist any longer. Bones jumped at him and both ardently kissed each other.

“I love you too, goddamn idiot!” The doctor sobbed out.

“Then I’m happy, Bones.” Jim wept as well before kissing his beloved back.

“I keep thinking it’s a terrible idea.” Bones asserted, breaking the kiss, before going back to kiss the Admiral. 

“I don’t.” Jim retorted in a bright smile, before carrying on kissing him.

He closed his arms around Bones’ body once more. Feeling his warm skin, his warm, living body under his touch was so much more amazing than hugging with clothes on. They still had their underpants though. But Jim didn’t want to go that far tonight. He didn’t want to upset his friend more than he already was. He tenderly, gently caressed the doctor’s warm back in slow, soothing movements. All while keeping on kissing Bones’ lips.

Jim had always liked being cuddly. Or so Bones thought. Not that he disliked it. Rather the contrary. Feeling Jim’s half-naked body against his own, feeling his smooth, comforting hands taking care of his aching back was heavenly. He rested his hands on Jim’s hairless chest. He had never thought he’d live one day what the Admiral’s countless girlfriends had lived. Making love with the most cuddly, most tender and gentle man he knew, that is. Especially when he was convinced he was the last person in the universe to deserve it. The last person in the universe Jim would make love with. But he _loved_ it. He _loved_ Jim.


	6. Chapter 6

“Come on, Bones. Hug me.” Jim softly pleaded in the doctor’s ear before resuming his kiss.

“Jim…” Bones hesitated.

“Why, Bones… I’m not going to eat you.” Jim teased him, hugging him tighter to encourage his friend -his so thin friend- to imitate the gesture.

Slowly, hesitantly, Bones rose his arms and softly, lovingly closed them around Jim’s shoulders.

“Feels wonderful, Bones.” Jim purred against his lips.

“Yes… it does.” The heart-warmed doctor simply agreed. He just had nothing to add.

It did feel wonderful.

Then, without a warning, Jim quit kissing him and made them both fall on the mattress. The damn playful Admiral’s body staying pressed against Bones’ stomach of course. Not that Bones minded it. He could enjoy the view that way. The moonlight made Jim’s skin dimly glow in a soothing icy blue and his beautiful hazel eyes warmly twinkle like two agate gemstones. The universe's eternal night was nothing compared to them. Bones couldn’t help smile at these wonders. Honestly smiled. Jim adorably chuckled at that. 

“There. You’re way more handsome when you smile.”

“Are you implying I’m an ugly troll when I don’t?” Bones arched an eyebrow. “Get off me, you dork. You’ve a whale’s weight.”

“Aw, and here I was starting to follow your nutritional advice.” Jim fakely whined.

“You know you're a terrible liar sometimes?” Bones grumbled.

“And you, a terrible doctor when it comes to yourself?” Jim retorted.

That shut down Bones’ mouth.

Jim knew the answer and left his topping position for a side one. He stroked the doctor’s face while smiling broadly.

“What is it?” Bones enquired.

“I’m just thinking you’re as pretty as the day we met.” Jim remembered the day he had met Bones in a shuttle under command of Captain Pike.

“Don’t poke fun at me. I look awful. While you…” Bones stroked Jim’s curls. “You look brighter than before. Are these natural or did you make them?”

“Do I look like a beautician to you?” Jim giggled.

“Oh, you underestimate your potential, Jim.” Bones teased. “So you lied to your favorite doctor and’ve been glossing over your hair all this time?”

“I was a starship captain. I had to look perfect.”

“N’ now you’re not captain, you no longer have to keep a dashing façade? Now I understand why you’ve accepted the promotion.”

They both heartfully laughed.

“I’m kidding, Jim.” Bones warmly smiled. “You’d’ve looked adorable with these since the beginning.”

“As you should have watched your own health from the beginning.” Jim kissed the wrinkled forehead. “All this time caring about other people’s wellbeing you forgot about your own.”

“Well, the cobbler’s children always go barefoot.” Bones replied.

“Well maybe mister cobbler should start taking care of his children.” Jim held the doctor back in his arms. Bones sighed in defeat.

“Not even I can resist the handsome, brilliant Admiral Kirk, can I?” He admitted.

“What if we forgot my titles and rank? At least for tonight?” Jim kindly suggested.

“I can’t forget a thing, Jim. I can’t… forget.” Bones whimpered.

“What if you stopped to think about what happened, and only think about now?” He kissed Bones’ forehead again. “For now, just think about sleeping.” 

Bones hugged him.

“... I love you, Jim.” He creaked in a deeply embarrassed tone.

Jim took a deep breath, bit his lip and squeezed shut his eyes, trying to hold back the tears. Vainly. Two drops silently slid out. Lori hadn’t made that effect on him when she admitted she was “very attracted to him”. Actually, very few people had made him feel like that when they said any variant of “I love you” to him. Here, Jim felt wonderfully happy, blissful, overwhelmed, hopelessly… emotional. He hugged the doctor tighter. 

“I… love you too, Bones.” He mumbled.

He got a faint snore as a response.

He remembered when Spock had confessed to him, in his own logical, mathematical way of course, he couldn’t stop laughing and giggling and chuckling because of course he was immensely happy but hearing Spock admitting romantic feelings just was too precious and hearing him talking about love as an algebra problem was absolutely priceless and cute. Well, these romantic feelings were not to last apparently. Jim painfully remembered neither he or Bones would ever see Spock again, even if they went back to Vulcan. Maybe Spock had already washed away all of his memories of him and Bones, of the Enterprise crew by now. Well, if it was what Spock thought best for him and everyone, then Jim tried to feel happy for his former First officer. Besides, Jim had someone else, someone who needed affection a lot more than Spock, someone lost and lonely, and as so damn precious as Spock, to take care of now. He gently hugged Bones one last time before dozing off.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The parts between brackets are actual extracts from J.M. Dillard's novel "The Lost Years".

The Arcturus girl [fell on her knees, screaming. She rolled on the floor in agony.]

[“Stop hurting her! It’s _me_ you want! Let her go!” The doctor cried.]

Bones whimpered.

[The Gorn began to melt. His skin sloughed off him in languorous waves, revealing reddish-brown muscles and bone. The slick and glistening internal organs were exposed; some still pulsed and quivered. The Gorn emitted a horrifying death wail.] 

Bones wriggled and whined in his sleep.

Zakal, the anti-Surak who had ‘Vulcan’ only as a name, [stared at that for a long, long time. He was smiling with childlike enjoyment.] Like the worst and most dreadful embodiment of sadism.

Bones moaned.

“Stop… stop…” He faintly mumbled.

[Apparently pleased by McCoy’s terrified expression, Zakal threw back his head and laughed.] The most frightening, sardonic laugh ever.

“Leave me alone… Leave me alone!” Bones implored.

[“I have not killed you because you are harmless and you amuse me. And when you cease to amuse me, you will die.”]

“Then kill me now and stop toying with me, you sick bastard!”

Zakal’s sand [bolt scorched Dwen, leaving her body mortally wounded.]

[“Leave her alone, you bastard! Leave her alone! If you want to make someone suffer, take me!!” McCoy screamed.]

Bones stormed awake, in a deeply shocked, high-pitched gasp, sweat covering his body and tears, his face. His body was shaken by an uncontrolled quiver and a sudden sobbing burst. He whimpered, covered his mouth not to wake up Jim and let the bitter tears stream down his face and hand; and wash out his eyes. He pressed his other hand on the first for just one wouldn’t have sufficed to muffle down his tears and cries.

_Shit! Shit! Shit!!_

He’d never felt so fucking scared and horrified before! And he had his share of sadistic murderers! Well, none of them ever had the capacity to read people’s minds or to kill at literal will! The painful, horrid pain of Dwen’s atrocious death added up to the sheer inhumane fear. Bones’ sobs grew stronger, rougher. Way too strong for his tired body and mind.

Jim fluttered his eyes open. It was still night. Why had he woken up? And what was that weird noise? He rolled back to check on Bones, and caught a sinister sight. He almost sprang up.

“Bones!” He expelled, his lover’s heart cracking. “Bones! What is it?” He enquired with alarm, hugging the weeping doctor against him. “What’s wrong?” He asked in a calmer but not less concerned voice. “Tell me what’s wrong.” He softly murmured. 

“I’m scared, Jim.” Bones muttered. “I’m so fucking scared!!” He screeched through uncontrolled sobs.

Jim remembered with dread the state he’d found his friend in when Zakal had beamed down with Bones in the Romulan starship. Shocked. Terrified. Desperate. He frowned, took a deep, frustrated breath in and hugged Bones tight against his heart. He was about to say “it only was a nightmare” except it was _not_. Bones really had lived what he’d just dreamed about.

“I’m here, Bones. I’m right here.” Jim murmured and kissed the trembling doctor’s forehead.

“Oh my God, who does that?” Bones cried out. “Who can _like_ doing that??” He wailed, referring to the ancient Vulcan’s sadistic pleasure to physically make people melt to death, to kill slowly, painfully and gratuitously. Just because he could do it; because he _loved_ doing it.

“It’s alright, Bones. You’re safe now. No one can or will hurt you here.” Jim stroked his friend’s messy hair.

“I’m so scared!... Jim! Spock! Help me!...” Bones implored, still trapped in his nightmare, or rather his memories. 

“I’m here, Bones. I’m right here.” Jim assured him. “You’re safe. You’re not alone anymore.”

“I almost wished… he had killed me on the spot!... would’ve spared me… all this dread and terror… all this… free mental torture!... but he liked it, Jim. He _liked_ to terrorize me and play with my nerves! He tortured... and murdered people right before my eyes! People he didn’t even know!... Just to see me scared! He… he said I _amused_ him! Such a… crazy, mad as fuck maniac!” Bones shrieked out.

“He’s gone now, Bones. He’s dead. He won’t hurt you, or anyone else, anymore.” Jim calmly asserted.

“Why did I throw myself in such a pile of shit, Jim?? Why?? Why did I let that lunatic do as he wanted?” Bones wailed.

“Calm down, Bones. Please, calm down.” The Admiral kindly told him though himself was on the verge of crying. “There’s only the two of us here. No one else.” He firmly asserted. “I’m right here and I’m not leaving you.” He kissed the doctor’s temple. “Breathe, Bones. Take a deep breath. You’ll see there’s no one else.”

Bones obeyed. Despite the hardness to do so because of the strong, merciless sobs. Then he hugged Jim and clung tight on him, afraid he might leave him again.

“See?” Jim tried to smile. “No one else. Just you and me.” He kept on stroking his friend’s hair.

Bones sighed. Both out of tire and relief.

“Where… where did you hide my ale, Jim?” He asked against Jim’s neck, his face conveniently hidden.

The cuddly Admiral frowned.

“Do you honestly think I’ll tell you?” He asked, not looking at the doctor.

“Well, t’was worth a try.” Bones replied.

“Well, I don’t intend to tell you where it is, let alone give it back to you.”

“S’for the better I guess.”

“It’s bad for you.” Jim declared.

“Ye sound like me from a couple months ago.” Bones chuckled. “Told Dwen the same ‘bout her cigs.”

“So you think medical advice doesn’t apply to you?”

“Well, ts’easier to give orders than follow them I s’pose.” Bones shrugged. 

“Are you sure about that?” Jim implied, talking of his captaincy experience.

Bones joylessly laughed again.

“Sorry, Jim. But I think a captain’s, or an admiral’s, and a doctor’s orders ain’t quite the same story.”

“I don’t see how.” Jim retorted. “Ordering a crew around, making sure they obey your command, sometimes having to take horrible decisions, making sure all of the crew is safe… How are they different?”

“What I’m sayin’, Jim… is that often… we wouldn’t obey the orders we give ourselves to other people. Or am I wrong?”

“No.” Jim sighed. “No, you’re not, Bones.” He softly caressed the doctor’s naked back. “Try to follow a few of them, alright?” He kindly suggested. 

“Alright. But only ‘cause _Dwen_ told me to quit the booze. Nuffin’ to do with you.” Bones claimed.

Though the doctor couldn’t see it, Jim broadly grinned at that, as he couldn’t refrain from softly giggling.


	8. Chapter 8

“Though I’m not sure if that’s a good thin’... thank you… for savin’ me, Jim.” Bones muttered in the crook of Jim’s neck.

“I did nothing.” Jim retorted. “Spock and Dwen did the whole job. With only me we wouldn’t have lived long.” He realized only now if Spock and Dwen hadn’t been there, he just would have thrown himself into the lion’s den, never to come out of it. He would’ve died there, on his first Admiral’s mission, ruining Lori’s career and projects and life, ruining their sensitive diplomatic mission, ruining everything. He really was too bold sometimes. But the picture of a helpless, terrified Bones in the hands of a homicidal, dangerous and omnipotent maniac just hadn’t left his mind during the whole process of negotiation between the Inari and the Djanai; his only wish, his only crave right after the negotiation had finally reached a good level, and after Lori gave her approbation, was to rescue Bones, to protect Bones. He hadn’t known how, hadn’t even thought about how or _if_ they could get off the Romulan starship, but he absolutely _yearned_ to be with Bones! He even had traded Lori’s recommandation to get him the command of a new starship for the permission to go save Bones. Now maybe Jim would never get to command a ship again, but at least Bones was back, here, alive.

“That old doctor turned ye brainless, then?” Bones teased with a touch of heat in his cheeks.

“Oh Bones, you’re the best placed to know I’ve never had a brain.” Jim smiled.

“True… Spock n’ Dwen have… _had_ the brain.” 

“Bones, please-” Jim pleaded.

“They _saved_ me, were _there_ f’me… when I had no one else… and now… because of my idiocy, my utter selfishness, they…” Bones suppressed a sob.

“Bones...” Jim whispered. “You can’t know if Dwen or Spock wouldn’t have followed Zakal if you had stayed in your bedroom.”

Bones whimpered, shaking his head in dire negation.

“Also Spock did not _die_ , he-” Jim wanted to add.

“He decided to stay on Vulcan, never to return to Earth... because I treated him like shit, then decided to get ripped of his feelings, to cut off all his relationships, including yours and mine,... because of all the creepy mess I’ve put him through!” Bones exclaimed in burning tears.

“That’s not true.” Jim gnarled. “That’s absolutely not true!” He suddenly exploded, grabbing his friend by his shoulders, extremely angry at the hearing of such inept cruelties. “Has _Spock_ told you that? Has _Spock_ explicitly told you he stayed on his home planet because he hated you? Has he told you he decided to leave his family and friends forever because of you??”

“Didn’ need to, Jim.” Bones mumbled. “Too obvious…”

“Are you-?” Jim held back from sounding rude and cruel himself. “Bones, listen to me. Spock didn’t leave Earth because of you!” He firmly asserted. “He did it for the same reason you have resigned from Starfleet! Because I’ve accepted that damn Admiral’s position!”

“Wh-what?” Bones asked in confusion and shock.

“Like to you, I’ve... repeated to Spock I’d always remain a captain and never would become an admiral! He… despite the fact he deserved more than anyone a captain’s rank and starship, he kept asserting he would remain a First officer,... preferably by my side.” Shit, he really had treated Spock very wrongly. Just like the way he’d treated Bones. “In addition to betraying my own word, I’ve… I’ve betrayed him.” He painfully mumbled out. “He was hoping we could reunite someday on a new starship, as captain and First officer, but… but I’ve destroyed all of his hopes.” Jim mournfully realized. He remembered his seldom encounters with Spock between his promotion as Admiral and the rescue of Bones. Spock had sounded like he didn’t want to have anything to do with him. As if he was _mad_ at him. As if he felt… betrayed. And hurt. Now Jim understood why. Only _now_ he understood. He really was daft and brainless. He looked back at Bones, scared of the doctor’s reaction. Well, maybe Bones was going to hit him but at least he would feel better about himself and stop battering himself so much.

“I… I see.” The doctor rolled down his glimmering eyes. “I… I should’ve guessed that.” Now he recalled it, Spock had welcomed him quite cordially, maybe even a little happily when they bumped into each other at the Vulcan Science Academy. He also recalled he had wanted to jump into Spock’s arms at that moment and hug him to death. Almost.

“See, Bones? It’s not your fault!” Jim warmly smiled. “It’s mine!”

“What d’ya do of his Kolinahr’s business? He didn’ do it because o’ ya, as much as I know!”

“I… I…” Jim blinked. He was at loss for words.

“Also that doesn’ erase all the times _I_ behaved like a dick with him.”

“Bones-”

“I appreciate ya try to make up for hurtn’ my feelings a lil’ while ago but… I’m used to it, ya know. N’ ya had all the reasons to do so…”

“No. No, I did _not_ , Bones!” Jim reaffirmed his position. “ _You_ had!” He cupped and squeezed the doctor’s slightly shaking hands between his own. “And again,...” His voice creaked. “You can’t know if Spock wouldn’t have pursued Zakal… were it not for you. As I recall,... our pre-Reform Vulcan had invested the body of one of Spock’s childhood friends.”

Bones sighed. And surrendered. He just couldn’t resist so much sweetness. He let his weary head rest on the Admiral’s shoulder.

“Ugh.” He groaned. “Despite all the bullshit ye’ve put me through, yo still the most adorable guy I know.” He lamented.

“You have low standards, Bones.” Blushing Jim smiled.

“I’m a _doctor_. If I say ya still adorable, then it’s immutable truth.” Bones grumbled.

“Still?” Jim caught. “What do you mean, _still_?”

“Don’ play dumb with me. You’d win.” Bones smirked.

“Am I to understand I always was adorable to your eyes?”

“Since we’ve met, ya blasted Casanova.”

“Well, that’s quite a length of time.” Jim teased.

“Ya bet it is. I also bet ye don’ even remember the first time we met.” 

“Of course I remember!” Jim protested, smoothing the warm skin of the doctor’s back. “When we both ended up sitting next to each other in a shuttle by pure chance!” He smiled at the sweet memory. “You told me you might _throw up_ on me.” 

“I _knew_ ye didn’ remember.” Bones bitterly chuckled. “ _That_ wasn’t the first time, Jim.”

“Wasn’t it?” Jim honestly was surprised. Had he met Bones before that?

“Wasn’. T’was _way_ before that. We were both frisky teens. Well, mostly you. I already had reached the honorable age of 27. T’was at the Academy’s library. Ye wore your damn adorable glasses, ‘n ye had sky-scrapin’ stacks o’ books at each side. I… I purposely came to sit in front o’ ya. I don’ even remember what kinda book I had picked up. I wanted to study like you at first but… but then I had to look at you. I wondered what you were studyin’, then how cute people like ya could actually exist.”

After a research in his own memory, Jim finally remembered that. The only thing he had collected from that mysterious boy was his stunning, stupendous, beautiful sky-blue eyes. They never had exchanged names or even talked. The boy had ran away before it. Was that boy… Bones? That nameless, adorable boy was Bones all along?

“I blushed like an apple in summer when ya finally looked at me. Even more when ya beamed like a bright, dazzling sun at me. I never knew… anyone could look that pretty, that beautiful, that heartwarming… only with a smile. _That’s_ how I recognized ye when we met much later.”

Oh dear God. Now Jim yearned to cry. Because Bones was the purest, most innocent and most romantic person he ever had the blessing to meet, and because he felt tremendously guilty for not having recognized the cute blue-eyed boy when he met him again. To his defense, they both had met only years later. 

“Why… why did you come back only… god, it makes twenty years! Why did you come back only twenty years later?”

“S’gonna sound stupid to you, and ya’ll be right to think so, but I’ve never dared to go to the library again after ye made my heart melt with yer dark arts smile. N’ ya also forgot I had a temporary family to intend to.”

“Don’t say that, Bones.” Jim whispered. “She’s still there.”

“Well, not for me. In any case, ya know what followed. Divorce, Jo took everythin’, so I turned to the only place I was vaguely familiar with n’ that could avoid me from a homeless life. ‘Ven if I had aviophobia n’ motion sickness. Pain-in-the-ass’ries I wasn’t aware of first time I enrolled as a cadet. First time I met ya, I mean. Mus’ say I hadn’t stayed long ‘nuff to learn it. But… it either was _that_ or… starving under a bridge. I must say… seein’ you still there… n’ bein’ given the means to help thousands of people… encouraged me to stay. Much longer this time.” Bones admitted. “Gettin’ the blessing to daily work with you… did so even more.”

“I deduce I must thank your ex-wife then.” Jim kidded, though on the verge of sobbing with joy.

“She’d tell ya not to mess with her.” 

“And I’d tell her that she doesn’t know how much of a great waste she’s made divorcing you.”

“Here ya are ‘gain, bein’ sweet n’ all.”

“Why shouldn’t I? You’re way sweeter than me, Bones, and I mean that. Why didn’t you… confess to me if I… bewitched you so much?”

“If that is a joke, Jim, is not funny at all.”

“What? Why would it be a joke?”

“Are ya kiddin’? Are ya takin’ me for a sweet retard?” Bones at last stared, or rather glared, at the Admiral.

“No, why would I-?”

“Ye were here, multiplyin’ the girls n’ boyfriends n’ one-night-stands! N’ I was there, a bitter old divorcee, tryna repress my feelings for ya with pretty Nancy -Nancy I’ve found later long-dead!... N’ when Spock stepped in like a fresh bloom, I realized ye were crazy for him as _he_ were crazy for you way before ye two dumbheads did! Just one look at you two z’nuff to know ye two were perfect together! Now, tell me how was I supposed to confess anythin’ to ya that way??” Bones wept.

“I… I’m sorry, Bones. I truly am sorry.” Jim honestly meant it.

“Don’ Jim. S’yer right to date anyone ya want. Wouldn’t’ve worked between us anyway. Ye always were a joyous, adventurous, optimistic, sunny guy, while me… well...”

“Bones, you’re a doctor, not a fortune-teller!”

“No. Yer right. That was Dwen.” Bones couldn’t help uttering.

“Sorry.” Jim apologized once more.

“What are ye sorry for, Jim?” Bones squinted.

“I… I don’t know. Well, _yes_ I know! For making you sad. For making you unhappy. For hurting you. For such a long period of time.” Jim took up the doctor’s hands and tenderly kissed them.

“Yer not a Vulcan, Jim. Ye couldn’t have read my mind.” Bones excused him.

“But I should have seen that one of my best friends was miserable!” Jim exclaimed.

“How? The only person that could’ve seen it, that probably knew it, is our dear Spock.” Bones uttered the so bittersweet name again. That would explain the rather warm welcome the doctor had received from Spock on Vulcan. 

In addition to feeling guilty for treating Bones wrongly, especially lately, Jim also felt guilty for Spock’s decision regarding the Kolinahr. If he hadn’t accepted the Admiral’s position, Spock wouldn’t have felt deeply betrayed by that decision, and maybe he wouldn’t have stayed on Vulcan. Forever. Never to see Jim or Bones again.

“Ye know…” Bones added. “First time I met Spock, I really didn’ like him ‘cause he’d clearly caught yer eye. That’s when I started the banter n’ snipin’ contest with him. But…” He sighed. “The more we bickered like an old couple,... the more I realized why ya liked him so much.” He admitted, crimsonly blushing.

“Oh Bones…” Jim sincerely felt sorry for his friend. Bones fell in love way too easily. “Now Spock is gone, you have all your chances.” He tried to joke.

“Shut up, Jim. I’m serious! And it’s not nice for Spock.” The doctor groaned.

“I don’t think he’d protest.” Jim insisted. “Especially now he decided to become a hermit monk. Even if he didn’t, I think… he would’ve welcomed your feelings, Bones.” Jim mischievously implied. “For me or… for him.” 

“The hell are you implying, you-!” Bones almost exploded.

Jim adorably laughed.

Bones grunted in defeat.

“Was I _that_ obvious?” He looked away in shame.

“More obvious than the fact your eyes match the color of your shirt.” Jim kissed his temple.

“So I could’ve… join your happy little household?” Bones looked back at him.

“Anytime, Bones.”

“Well, someone hit me.” Bones groaned.

“Never, Bones.”

“But… if you _knew_ why didn’t you, like, steal a kiss or something?” The puzzled doctor enquired.

“Like this?” Jim kissed his lips. “I was aware of your crush on Spock. I had no idea you… liked me too. Anyway, neither would I or Spock have forced you. Even captains, or First officers, can be clueless.”

“Is it why you’ve accepted the Admiral’s position?” Bones softly smiled. “To get less clueless?” 

“Maybe, Bones. Maybe.”

“I don’ think… Spock was _that_ much clueless though.” Bones remembered his last encounters with the former science officer. At their departure off the Enterprise, Spock had accepted and firmly shaken his hand. At the moment, Bones had interpreted that as coldness but now he remembered Vulcans kissed with their hands it was like… like Bones had freakingly invited Spock to _kiss_ him and… and Spock had fiercely, passionately _kissed_ him back! His cheeks flushed and burnt. 

_Oh you blasted, cursed, perverted Vulcan!_

He would cherish that one and only kiss all his life! What would have happened if he had confessed to Spock sooner? At all? Even during the Tholian incident, when they had shagged together, even then Bones hadn’t dared to say “I love you” to Spock. Well, he _had_ tried. Once. But that thick smartass hadn’t got it. Bones then had thought what happened during the incident only was due to mutual despair and the drug they both had drunk, and that it’d be a losing game to confess to someone like Spock. But then he remembered the cold yet so fiery, ardent Vulcan kiss on his hand. 

“If only the rascal had opened his heart a little sooner…” Bones regretted, caressing the hand Spock had Vulcan-kissed. “Ugh! Too many what-ifs, Jim!” He grunted. “Doesn’ matter anymore.”

Jim half-agreed with that. It was so easy to imagine what could have happened between him and Spock, Spock and Bones, Bones and him, now Spock was away forever and now Jim had planned to marry Lori Ciana. Well, he could take action on that at the very least. He’d have to think about it. But later. Right now, the only thing that occupied his thoughts was the sweet man sitting in the middle of his bed. The Admiral made them both drop back on the mattress. His body back over Bones’. Then intertwined the fingers of his hand with those of Bones. The doctor’s fingers tenderly squeezed Jim’s hand.

“I think _this_ matters.” Jim murmured staring into Bones’ incredibly stunning, beautiful eyes; before he slowly stretched their arms to the bed’s rim, and attempted another kiss on his lips.

He quickly was outsmarted by the sneaky doctor who pushed him off to a side. Still gripping on Jim’s hand. Bones proudly grinned in victory. Grin that soon faded.

“Sorry I’ve ruined yer night, Jim.” The doctor regretted.

“No, stop with that. You’re worth all my nights, Bones.” Jim softly whispered before successfully kissing him. His heart still warmly beat with bliss at kissing Bones. His heart didn’t beat like that when he kissed Lori. 

_Oh, screw Lori for now! Just think about Bones! Only Bones!_ Jim commanded himself before getting a bit more heated with his kiss.

Bones responded with a cute moan. Not only that, the doctor slipped his other hand into Jim’s curls and pressed harder against his admiral mouth. He was getting a bit… bolder. Jim believed he liked that. 

> "McCoy thrust out his hand from sheer instinct. When he realized what he had done, he tried to pull it back. [...]
> 
> Spock took the proffered hand briefly, then let it go. His grip was strong, warm to the point of feeling feverish."
> 
> _Star Trek, The Lost Years_ , J.M. Dillard, chapter 2.


	9. Chapter 9

6 am.

Jim woke up. Destroyed as fuck. He only had drowsed off for three or even two hours. And that wasn’t his bedroom! Where was he-? Oh, right. He peered at the figure laying next to him. His doctor friend visibly had more trouble waking up. And he looked way more awful than Jim probably did presently. 

“ ‘sh off that fuckn’ light…” The grumpy doctor adorably emerged in a grumble. Or so Jim thought.

“Not even admirals can switch off the sunlight, Bones.” He softly smiled.

Bones’ glassy eyes finally opened up. At first, the Admiral could have sworn they enclosed all of San Francisco’s roadmaps. Then he remembered the doctor had drunk like a fish last night. The worn off, bloodshot eyes gave him an exhausted glare.

“Oh. Hey, Jim.” Bones attempted a smile.

“Had a good night, I see?” Jim sassed him.

“God, Jim… you’d make a terrible doctor.” Bones sourly commented.

“Speaking of doctors, you must see one today, Bones.” Jim decided.

“For fuck sake, Jim, _I am_ a-”

“Would you consult a sick, sleepless and hangovered doctor?” Jim cut him off.

Bones didn’t answer that.

“Fuck you.” He simply spat. “Well I guess I should… get up… first…” He sat up with tremendous trouble. He really didn’t look good at all. He failed in his enterprise and heavily dropped back on his pillow. He sighed with irritation.

“Bones, you don’t have to get up now.” The admiral gently stroked his damp hair. “Go back to sleep. You need it.”

“Well look at ye now.” The doctor grinned with mild amusement. “Playin’ the good nurse with me…” Then he started to feel dizzy. Like, the dizzy you got from the extreme rides of amusement parks. His head felt like spinning. “I don’ feel nice…” He mumbled, sitting back up. 

“Bones?”

His innards started to feel burning up too. He tried to breathe evenly. 

“Oh shit, not now…” He complained, feeling like in a tumble-dryer. “Not-” He bent down the bed’s rim and brutally threw up on the carpeted floor.

“Bones!” Jim rushed to him and held him back from falling with one steady arm.

The doctor threw up again, violently coughing and taking wheezing breaths afterwards. Tears also streamed down his face. He tried to catch his poor breath. Only to see the disaster he’d made of Jim’s floor. 

“Are you fine now? Are you alright?” The admiral kindly enquired, with deep concern in his voice, softly caressing the doctor’s back. 

“Oh shit, Jim.” Bones realized his mess. “I’ve ruined your floor.” He whined, like a child who’d just smashed his grandmother’s antique vase.

“Don’t worry about that.” Jim kept his compassionate caress on Bones’ back. “We really have to get you a doctor.”

“ _I’m_ a doctor!” Bones screamed.

“Well not clear-headed enough to examine yourself!” Jim firmly assessed.

Bones looked shocked as if he’d ended up in the middle of a battlefield covered in corpses. Jim hadn’t yelled that much, had he? 

“I’ll also call some cleaning personnel to take care of… this.” He vaguely indicated the orange-brown puddle soaking and staining one of his carpet.

“I’m sorry, Jim…” Bones honestly, weepingly apologized. Like a small child who’d caused serious mischief. “Sorry…” He repeated before silent tears ran down again, carving his weary face.

A bolt of blazing guilt striking Jim’s heart, his tender hand came to cradle the doctor’s skull before he kissed him on the forehead. He hugged him.

“Do you honestly think some carpet is worth better than your health?” Jim jokingly asked. 

Bones did not answer that either. Which broke Jim’s heart and smile. After a heavy silence, the doctor started to talk again. 

“Don’ call Joanna, Jim. I don’ wan’er to see me like that. Please… don’t call her.” He implored.

Jim sighed.

“Alright.” He whispered, kissing Bones’ cheek. “I won’t call her. But you _need_ someone to take care of you.” 

“So _they_ also end up blowing up in ghastly fireworks?” 

“Bones, you can’t stay like that.” Jim insisted. _Starfleet or not, there are thousands, billions of people out there who need you and your live-saving skills!_ He refrained from uttering; for he knew that kind of justification hid an insidious form of guilt-tripping. Which Bones really didn’t need now.

“Oh yeah, I can, Jim.” The doctor dryly retorted. “Maybe I _want_ to.” 

“Don’t talk nonsense, Bones. You _don’t_ want it, neither do I. Why else would you have come here?”

The doctor looked away.

“So what you’re gonna do? Call the sister nurse of the cleaning worker?”

“I’ll call one not from Starfleet if it suits you better.” Jim offered.

“It does, yes. Thank you.” Bones looked back at him in a half-smile.

That immediately warmed up the admiral’s heart.

“But don’t expect her, or them, to give you different advice from mine.”

“Really Jim, since when have you become a trained doctor?”

“I had a good trainer.” Jim mischievously implied, kissing Bones again on the cheek. “Speaking of which, wait here.”

“I’m not goin’ anywhere, Jim.” Bones shrugged his heavy shoulders. “Got no’ere else to go.” He gloomily muttered as his friend rushed out of the bedroom to instantly rush back at his side. With a wet washcloth. “Are ye intendin’ to wipe out my nasty lake down ‘ere with that?” He asked, glaring at the tiny piece of sponge cloth.

“It’s not for the carpet, derpy.” Jim chuckled.

“ _Derpy_?” Bones scoffed. “The hell does that m-?” He was cut off by a wet cloth scrubbing his face clean. He got it. That was to wipe off the vomit and tears from his face which probably looked like a dirty sewer grate.

“Shh. Quiet now.” Jim ordered. “And do as your admiral commands.”

“Ya mean like usual?” Bones sourly sniped before Jim grated off the doctor’s face with the sponge cloth. “Mmf! For fuck sake, Jim-!” He ragefully muffled. 

Jim couldn’t help giggling.

“Now gimme that!” Bones demanded, snatching the washcloth from his tormentor’s hand. “Now have a taste of my germs, o merciful, omnipotent admiral!” He threatened his fasly scared friend with the dirty cloth.

“Oh no! The bellicose aliens of the planet Bonzia 3! My mortal enemies!” Jim whined like the most clichèd of damsel in distress.

Bones honestly, heartfully, broadly grinned in satisfaction.

“And here is their handsome ruler. Queen Smileah.” 

“You suck at makin’ up names, you know that?” Bones arched an eyebrow, throwing the stained washcloth against the content admiral’s chest.

Without answering, Jim took the cloth and put it on his night table.

“As _you_ suck at being unlovable.” He lovingly implied.

The doctor couldn’t help grinning and blushing at that. His coy belle side was back from the dead. As the admiral couldn’t help glowing at that adorable expression of southern belle McCoy. Maybe it was fate that such a name was bestowed upon him, or so Jim awed at.

They both fell silent. Both remembered vividly and joyfully their night.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little flashback between chapters 8 and 9.

The doctor slipped his other hand into Jim’s curls and pressed harder against his admiral mouth. He was getting a bit bolder. Jim believed he liked that. When was the last time he’d kissed someone so passionately, so fierily? In a human manner at least? He couldn’t remember; and maybe didn’t want to. All he wanted now was Bones. While keeping on his neverending lively kiss on the doctor’s lips, Jim now recalled with a mixture of crushing guilt and ardent gratefulness all the times his friend had been there for him. Never asking anything in return. Well, maybe one thing. A small tiny thing Bones never demanded or insisted on even though it was his basic right to do so.

To be  _ listened  _ to. To have his words and warnings taken seriously or at least into account.

Something so simple but Jim seldomly gave. 

Like they both had implicitly agreed that Jim, and virtually everyone else in the universe, was the one to show and talk about his wounds and pain, and Bones was the one to listen and heal. 

_ Never  _ the opposite.

Just how much, how long Bones had been suffering in silence and never told anyone because he assessed  _ HE  _ was the one to relieve pain out of people, not the opposite, because  _ HE  _ was the doctor and not the patient; and in that regard did not have the right to show his own suffering, let alone talk about it. Who would show their suffering to a suffering doctor after all?

_ Where do you think his tendency to drink comes from? He’d started to drink way before the pre-Reform Vulcan incident. And you saw nothing. You suspected nothing. What a great captain, what a “best friend” indeed. _

A lonely tear rolled down the admiral’s cheek.

The last time Bones had helped him and warmed up his anxious heart was when the reckless doctor had sent a flaming report to Nogura “explaining” how Jim couldn’t be promoted as admiral. Then he’d lashed out on Mister God for not having any regard for Jim’s wellbeing and resigned from Starfleet because of it. The admiral had felt so cross at the doctor for embarrassing him in such a boisterous way he had spat awfully, monstrously cruel things at him. While Bones already was coping with the remarriage of Natira and his aggravating alcoholism. While all Bones had done was to please Jim. To prevent him from a life he didn’t want, he wasn’t meant for.  _ Jim  _ had had a change of heart accepting this promotion which initially repelled him. Not Bones who’d remained faithful to himself and his word. Contrary to the admiral. Admiral who not only had betrayed his own word, but also his two best, closest friends. Jim really had anger issues. Just like Bones; or so he supposed. They both raged up quickly but immediately regretted it afterwards. The best would be not to get angry at all.

_ “I have noted that healthy release of emotion is frequently very unhealthy for those closest to you.” _ Spock once had said.

Jim had miserably experienced that truth too late. Way too late. He let go of the doctor’s hand he’s been gripping on to embrace his waist and tenderly caress his back. Bones finally released his mouth but kept his grip on Jim’s hair. They stared into each other’s eyes for a moment, breathless, in puzzlement, in disbelief of what had just happened since the admiral had entered the doctor’s room. Then, they seemed to both remember at the exact same instant why all this had just happened. Bones formed a shy smile while Jim glowingly beamed like the brightest sun ever. As his soft hazel eyes warmly twinkled, the doctor’s weary blue eyes glittered like an ocean under a radiant summer sun. Since the admiral lived by the ocean, that was the first image that came to his mind. With one hand, he combed back a grayish lock of the doctor that had ventured on his forehead. 

“I promise I won’t forget  _ that _ , Bones.” Jim softly whispered. 

“That makes at least one of us.” Bones smiled. “Since I’m not even sure _ I _ ’ll remember in the mornin’. The ale’s fault an’ all… By the way, don’ make promises ye can’t keep, love.” He somberly implied. “But don’ fret, I won’ care that much.”

“ _ I  _ will!” Jim asserted, hugging the doctor tighter. “As I  _ will  _ remember! This time, and all the times after that, I promise I  _ will  _ remember!” His voice creaked with the fresh tears dwelling in the corner of his eyes. “And if I don’t, you can… smash all of your ale bottles on my head!” He claimed.

“That would take some time.” Bones chuckled. “A blasted time. I don’ think I’d have the patience and energy to waste to do that.”

“I take that I better remember then?” Jim lovingly smiled, gently pressing his forehead against the doctor’s.

“I lose in either case so… you’re free to do as ye wish, Jim… Like usual.” Bones hurtfully looked away.

The afflicted admiral kissed his forehead.

“I know this won’t atone for all the times I’ve hurt you and didn’t listen to you… but I want you to know I regret it, Bones. I deeply regret it.” Jim sincerely apologized.

“I got it the first time, Jim.” Bones wryly smiled. “I just don’ wanna make you… feel forced to do things because of me.” 

“Who said I felt  _ forced _ , Bones?” Jim exclaimed, half-shocked, half-alarmed. “Do  _ you  _ feel forced when you care for people? Do you feel forced when you love someone? Do you feel forced when you want to show your concern and care and love for someone? Do you feel forced when you kiss me?”

Bones stopped to breathe and even blink.

“You  _ don’t _ , do you?” The admiral urged him. “Same goes for me.” He brightly grinned.

The doctor’s heart blazed. Burst into flames. He jumped at Jim’s neck.

“You blasted-! You fuckin’ blasted-!” He sobbed on his friend’s shoulder.

Jim hugged him the tightest he could against him, and resumed his soft, affectionate caress on the shivering doctor’s back and shoulder blades. He closed his eyes. To only enjoy Bones’ presence, his warmth, the simple fact he was alive, here and now. He didn’t care if Bones was going to cry all night long. If that relieved him from his incommensurable pain, even just a little, then Jim didn’t mind. He owed him at least that. He softly, absent-mindedly nuzzled through the doctor’s hair.

_ Just how many times did you need a shoulder to cry on and never asked for one? Never asked for mine? How many times have _ I _ cried on yours?  _

Bones wept on.

_ How many times did  _ I _ make you cry?  _ Jim painfully wondered.  _ And you’ve never come to complain about it?  _ He bit his lower lip.

Bones’ sobs sounded like they were softening.

_ I will never abandon you again. I will never leave you to cry all alone again! I’ll listen to you every time you’ll have a problem! I’ll be here for you! _

Bones’ tears had faded. He was taking deep, low breaths near Jim’s ear. The admiral slowly stroked the doctor’s spine in soothing movements. And kissed him in the neck.

“Bones…” He dared to break the silence. “If… if I ever hurt you again, I want you to tell me.” He pleaded more than he ordered. “In fact… every time you’ll feel sad or down,... I want you to tell me!” He begged. “And I’m sorry, I’m so dreadfully sorry if… if I ever made you believe… that you should keep it all for yourself!”

“Just… how long d’you inten’... being so tooth-rottn’ sweet… my captain darlin’?” The doctor looked back at him with amazed -and amazing- eyes.

“As long as you’re here to put sugar in my life, my sweet doctor.” Jim beamed.

Bones heartilly chuckled at that, tears of bliss jerking out of his pure blue eyes. 

The admiral couldn’t help joyfully laugh as well, with a bright, dazzling grin offered to the doctor. Bones giggled back, with a smitten blush coloring his cheeks. 

“So, you forgive me, Bones?” Jim embraced his friend’s small waist.

“I can never stay mad at you or at yer damn puppy eyes.” Bones softly pushed aside Jim’s face with his fist.

Jim hugged him tight and broadly smiled in return.


	11. Chapter 11

Bones wondered by what kind of miracle he could remember the night from before with all the Saurian and Romulan moonshine he’d chugged down yesterday. He could only remember snatches of it but still. A thought struck him. Had he and Jim-? But no they hadn’t! His medical ass would hurt like literal Hell, they both still wore their underpants and either way Jim would NEVER take advantage of a drunk person.

“Don’t move. I’ll get you something to drink.” Jim told him before skipping out of the room. 

For a short instant, Bones hoped the admiral was talking about his hidden Romulan ale but of course it wasn’t that. Jim had asserted he wouldn’t give him back his dear hooch. And when Jim said no, it was no. Well, recently when Jim affirmed “no” it could mean “yes”. Days of knocking out everyone with his “No, I’ll never be an admiral, I’d rather resign from Starfleet!” and two senior officers had been enough to change his mind. That was why Bones had gone through so much trouble to believe Jim when he said he eventually _wanted_ that position. The doctor painfully remember the horrible things Jim had told him back then:

“Have you ever stopped to consider that maybe _you_ were the biased one? Maybe you couldn’t stand for it all to end! Maybe you just wanted everything to stay as it was!”

Translation:

“You’re and always have been an incompetent doctor and you’ve acted out of pure selfishness, totally not for me!”

Of course Jim hadn’t meant it but it still had hurt. It still _did_ hurt. So much Bones also remembered he had sobbed his misery out in Dwen’s arms right after she had pulled him out of the bar where he and Jim were drinking. He’d felt so devastated after his execrable discussion with Jim, after being convinced his oldest, dearest friend hated and despised him now. He’d spent all his life swearing to always keep his problems and woes to himself, to always care for other people’s wounds; repeating like a mantra in his thoughts how _his_ own wounds didn’t matter. But back at that terrible meeting with Jim, after finding about Natira and his best friend’s apparent disdain for his work and person, it just had been impossible to keep it in longer. So he’d broken down and sobbed out his pain in Dwen’s arms. He would never find a woman, anyone, as patient and compassionate as Dwen. He also remembered the sudden but so relieving breath of fresh, floral blooming air right into his face when he’d noticed Spock among the audience of the Vulcan Science Academy. Back then he’d thought maybe Jim hated him now but Spock, damn, perfect Spock was still there! Damn Spock who’d actually kissed him goodbye on the Enterprise! But both he and Dwen were gone now. 

Shit. Bones was weeping again. He faintly grunted and roughly wiped his eyes. All the more reason to do it since Jim was back with two hot, steaming mugs and a towel. He threw it on the brown stain which was soaking his floor and handed one mug to the doctor.

“Here, Bones.” Jim smiled.

“Thanks. Ugh, sencha tea?” Bones crinkled his nose. “Who did you take me for? Nogura?” He grumbled.

“It’s good for you. Especially after what you’ve just brought out.” Jim implied.

“The hell it’s good f’me! Stop playin’ doctor with me, Jim!” Bones scowled. “You know me better than that! I’m a _coffee_ man, not a tea one!”

“Maybe it’s time to change some of your habits.” Jim suggested.

“Out of question. _I’m_ not the kind that likes to change his habits overnight. Oh. Sorry. I didn’t mean to... make it sound like that.” Bones apologized.

“It’s alright.” Jim asserted, lovingly kissing the doctor’s temple. “I’m grateful _you_ didn’t change. And hopeful you never will.” 

Bones half-smiled in embarrassment and dared a sip of the tea. He glanced at the admiral. He was doing the same. Then a thought struck the doctor.

“Wait. Don’t you have some work today?”

“Like everyday. That’s the life of an admiral.” Jim proudly raised up his mug.

“Oh shit. Sorry, Jim! You’re gonna be late because of me!” Bones dreaded.

“Oh, it’s alright.” Jim took another tea sip. “Mostly paperwork. I hate it. Can’t say you didn’t warn me or all of Starfleet. So, I won’t complain. Not much.”

“Damn right you hate it! You’ve _always_ hated all kinds of office work! But again… it was your own decision after all. A decision that saved many lives eventually.”

Jim beamed.

“Even when you’re six hundred feet under, you’re still able to lift my spirits.” He warmly smiled at the doctor. “Now _that’s_ something _you_ do flawlessly and I don’t.”

“Well, that’s what you did last night, didn’t you?” Bones coyly mumbled, blush on his cheeks.

The admiral’s eyes twinkled and cheeks blushed as well.

“They… didn’ give you the dreamy, marvellous job they’d promised you then?” Bones enquired.

Jim’s smile crashed down. He hardly gulped down his tea. He couldn't say it. Not to Bones. Especially _not_ to Bones. He couldn’t say he had given up his only chance to get the command of a new starship to rescue Bones on his latest mission. And also because he had done a way “too good” job, from Nogura’s own words, back on Djanai planet and their political disagreements. Mister damn God who could manipulate anyone to do what he wanted, not matter their experience or defiance. 

“No. They didn’t.” Jim merely concurred.

“If even Starfleet big heads are liars, then I’m more than glad to have quit ‘em.” Bones assessed, drinking his tea. “Are you dating a liar, Jim?” 

“Lori is not a liar. She’s one of the most honest and decent people I know.” Jim replied.

He could see the disappointment and hurt in the beautiful blue eyes.

“If you say so,... then I believe you.” Bones said, quietly sipping his mug.

“She was… I think Nogura equally tricked both of us.”

“But _she_ was the one to lure you with a golden troubleshooter position.” Bones reminded him. “When Nogura asked you, you said no, but when _she_ asked you, you said yes. She _must_ have promised you something more. And please don’t tell me a pretty face or a pair of breasts.”

“No, because it is certainly _not_ that, and because Lori is a serious, honorable person and not a freaking _whore_ as you once called her!” Jim snapped. 

“I… was gonna say it’s because you’re both serious people, as _you_ are more respectful than that, Jim. But… I guess that works too.” Bones looked away, clearly looking more hurt and self-flogging inside.

The admiral left his tea mug on his side table and hugged the doctor.

“Sorry.” He murmured near Bones’ ear. “I shouldn’t have reminded you. Sorry. I know you weren’t well that day. Sorry.” He kissed his hair. He looked at his friend’s face and saw two fresh tears rolling on Bones’ cheeks. He kissed the nearest. “Sorry, Bones.” He breathed. “I… I didn’t get the job that she promised me because… because…” No, he couldn’t bring himself to say it. Jim could _not_ say it. Let alone when his doctor friend was making such a heart-smashing face.

“Sorry, Jim.” Bones creaked. “I can’t help… doing that when I… when I remember our… latest Terran conversation.” He whined before he started to softly weep again. Here. He was ready to sob on Dwen’s shoulder again. Except now it was Jim’s. He rested his forehead on it, holding in the tears. Until he remembered in a flash what Jim had exhorted him to do last night.

_“If I ever hurt you again, I want you to tell me!”_

He bit his lower lip in hesitation. Then, let it all out at last.

“You… you really hurt me back then, Jim.” He whimpered, his tears slowly running down the admiral’s arm.

There, he had said it. After months of repressed pain he had finally said it.

“I know.” Jim pursed his lips. “I know.” He tenderly hugged his friend. “I’m sorry. I didn’t-” _I didn’t mean it._ Jim was about to say. But he halted for it wasn’t a good excuse at all. For there had been no excuse at all to talk that way he had to his friend. “I’m sorry, Bones.” He murmured. “I hope as much as you I’ll never act like that again.”

“No. _I_ am sorry, Jim.” Bones laboriously rose up and wiped his eyes. “It’s… it’s all in the past now, ain’t it?” He attempted a failed smile. “So… what’s that special something Miss Ciana promised you but then denied you?”

“She… had promised me the command of a starship.” Jim ended up admitting. “A recommendation. After our first mission together.”

“Oh, just _that_?” Bones smiled with sarcasm. “N’ why did she change her mind?” He arched an eyebrow.

“Well, she didn’t actually _change_ her mind, she-” Jim started to realize it only now. “I have… _asked_ her, during our mission, to trade that recommendation for… something else. Something more important.” He purposely eluded.

“What could possibly be more important to Jim Kirk than commending a starship?” Bones chuckled in disbelief.

The admiral silently stared at him. With a look that conveyed more answers than verbal words.

“You’re not serious.” Bones expelled with a breathless, raspy voice as his sky-blue eyes widened in shock. His mind went bleached-white. His heart pounded savagely. He felt he was about to burst into tears once more. But with radically different reasons this time. 

Jim confirmed what the doctor just had understood with his characteristic besotted, beaming smile. 

“I…” The doctor faintly shook his head. “Jim,... if I… if my mouth hadn’t been washed out with booze and vomit, I would jump on you… and mount you like a wild, rutting beast.” He admitted with the most serious, gravest tone he could figure out.

“All the more reason for you to quit the ale and take care of yourself, then.” Jim teased.

Bones jumped on him and tightly hugged him nonetheless. 

“Don’t tempt me, admiral.” He creaked.

“Ah, I can’t order you anymore but neither can you order me, doctor.” Jim implied.

The doctor softly laughed.

“And here I thought ye couldn’t be any sweeter. Givin' up a starship command... only f'me... talk about sugar sweet.” He whimpered.

“I can never be as sweet as you though.” Jim replied, hugging his friend and kissing the nape of his neck.

> "Lori, if I go I want you to know that I'll consider this the favor you said you owed me. And I mean that."  
> He was referring to the time she had offered to recommend him for command of the Enterprise. McCoy's friendship was worth more after all than command, worth more than any lifeless collection of metal and bolts.
> 
> Star Trek The Lost Years novel, J. M. Dillard.


	12. Chapter 12

“Come on, drink up your tea. I’ll call someone for the carpet.” Jim smiled and gently patted Bones’ bare shoulder before disappearing out of the bedroom once more.

The doctor silently did as he was told, and pondered over what his admiral friend just had declared. Jim Kirk, whose whole life was the Enterprise, the command of a starship, had abandoned it all just to rescue him. Willingly. Even though it wasn’t needed since Spock and Dwen were already there to save the doctor in distress. Even though Jim was risking his life. Unnecessarily. Bones couldn’t help smiling. But then, when did Jim  _ not  _ unnecessarily risk his life? Bones took another burning tea sip. Jim had been  _ that  _ eager to save him, huh? Maybe…

_ No. Get a grip of your medical senses Leonard! Jim’s already betrothed to someone else! And you’re not going to make him change his mind like some manipulative, clingy, selfish bastard, are you?  _

He gulped down another swig of the hot, burning beverage.

Teardrops dripped off his eyelashes. What is due to the scorching temperature of the tea? Or to his deep, crushing feelings of disappointment and abandonment? Bones didn’t care.

As he purposely kept boiling and scalding the insides of his throat with tea, he preferred to recollect the restless but so sweet night with Jim.  _ That  _ brought a genuine, joyful smile to his face. And a hint of heat in his cheeks. Jim didn’t hate him that much in the end. Maybe didn’t hate him at all. Bones thought he liked it when Jim was the doctor and he, the patient. For once. If someone had told Bones something that whimsical would soon happen to him, Bones would have told them to fuck off and to consult a therapist. His smile grew larger in amusement. And infatuation. 

Jim…

His heart-warming smiles, his kind words…

_ “You are worth all my nights, all the work and jobs in the world, Bones!” _

_ “Bones, you’re the least selfish person I know!” _

His soft kisses in his neck…

On his lips…

His hands…

His forehead...

_ “It’s only fair I take care of you at least once.” _

His firm, tight, loving hugs…

_ “If only you could see yourself… like I see you.” _

_ Oh, Jim. You hopeless romantic bastard. _

_ “You  _ do  _ raise me up when I’m down.” _

_ “I’m the one who loves you.” _

His warm, slow, soothing caresses on his skin…

_ “I love you too, Bones.” _

His hand in his hair…

Their fingers intertwined together…

_ “I  _ will  _ remember!” _

_ “Do  _ you  _ feel forced when you kiss me? You don’t , do you? Same goes for me.” _

_ “My sweet doctor.” _

His damn cute, irresistible eyes!...

But he’d see that roles quickly switch back to normal. After all,  _ he  _ was the doctor! Not Jim.

Speaking of the dashing devil, he was back with a typical sunny smile. Bones couldn’t help smiling back.

“The cleaner will be here in ten minutes.” Jim notified him. “And…” He sat back on the bed, near the doctor. “You can use the bathroom if you want.” He barely ordered Bones. “Oh. I see you’ve finished your repulsive tea.” He noticed.

Bones glanced at his empty mug.

“Oh. Yeah.” He was surprised as well at that fact. “Must be cause you’ve bewitched me all night long. And now, you’re lending me your bathroom? You’re way too good, my admiral. Are you by chance trying to enchant me and make me your nice obedient puppy?” He arched an eyebrow.

“You don’t need me to be nice, Bones. And I never would have you obedient for all the gold in the world.” Jim lovingly kissed his cheek.

“Or for the Enterprise.” The doctor muttered before he stared at Jim with fear he had hurt him.

“Or for the Enterprise.” The admiral firmly agreed.

Bones’ heart skipped another beat.

“I’ll take a quick shower, only to get back for you and your sugar-coated words, admiral.” He purred before leaving his empty mug and a besotted-eyed Jim Kirk.

“I have spare toothbrushes too!” Jim called out.

“Fuck you, Jim!”

The admiral lively laughed at that reply.

“Maybe someday, Bones.” Jim murmured to himself. “Maybe someday.” He hoped before dropping on the bed with a satisfied sigh. He turned his head towards Bones’ pillow. And blissfully remembered the night before. Surely this kind of night wouldn’t happen again. After all, the doctor wasn’t going to knock at his door, utterly and dreadfully hammered down every night. At least Jim hoped so. And he was to marry Lori in a few days.    
But was it the right choice? The right thing to do? She and Jim were colleagues who often worked together, who worked  _ wonderfully  _ together, she was an honest, responsible, clever and beautiful woman, she was taking her missions and relationships -professional and personal- with the utmost thoughtfulness and seriousness, she liked Jim back… So why was the admiral starting to doubt the relevance of that marriage? Was he, were  _ they  _ making a mistake? Weren’t they rushing things? Or maybe… maybe there was another reason to postpone… or even cancel the wedding. 

_ “There is nothing serious between Lori and me.” _ He had the nerve to claim to Bones last night. But then maybe such a claim wasn’t so far-fetched. Maybe Jim would have gladly and without question married her if... if his heart wasn’t thinking, pining over two other people. 

For almost six goddamn years.

Jim had to face it, he wanted to marry Lori mainly to forget about Bones and Spock. Especially after having behaved like an monstrous bastard with the first and horribly backstabbed the other. That other he would never see ever again. By his own fault. He wanted to marry a woman he barely knew because he had ruined everything with the two people he actually, deeply, unconditionally loved. 

No! He had  _ not  _ ruined everything! Not  _ every  _ thing! He still had a chance! Since the night before he was given a chance! A chance to make up with Bones. In default of proposing to him, at least a chance to remain friends with him. Jim got up and walked to his bathroom where the water was flushing and dripping. He went in and carefully closed the door behind him.

“Is that ye, Jim?” Bones enquired from inside the shower cabin. “Miss me yet?” He teased.

“Less than the throne, Bones.” The admiral playfully replied. In fact, he had to use the toilet. He pushed down his shorts and discovered a hardness between his thighs. Normally he wouldn’t since it was a natural thing but right now he was blushing at it. Was it because Bones was right next to him? Oh well, he just had to leak it out and it would be fast gone. Which he did. He tried to remain as silent as he could.

“Must be that awful tea, Jim.” Bones commented.

_ Shit. _

“Speak of yourself. What about you and your liters of ale?” Jim taunted.

“Already down the storm drain, Jim.” Bones proudly answered.

“You dirty pig!” Jim giggled.

“Not dirtier than doing it in clean, drinkable water like a century ago.” Bones wryly retorted. “If that can soothe ya, it’s long gone rinsed away now.”

“That’s very comforting.” Jim ironically commented before he started to pull back on his shorts. But a dirty, twisted idea dashed through his mind. He turned around, stared at the shower cabin. A translucid, blurry door that only brought out the silhouette features of the doctor.

_ Such a thin, feeble silhouette… _ Jim lamented internally. He was scared Bones might fall and break an arm or a leg. Or maybe he just was figuring out excuses to enter and join the doctor.

“Admiral Kirk? Admiral Kirk?” A voice from the lounge room called. “I’m coming for your carpeted floor problem!”

_ Shit! The cleaning guy! _ Jim abruptly remembered. “Yes! Uh… It’s the first room on your right!” He loudly answered. He felt a bit stupid yelling like that but he couldn’t come out of the bathroom like that, with just a tight shorts squeezing his package. Package that had lowered a bit but still stood up proud and brave.

_ Oh no. I just can’t come out like that!  _

“Alright! It won’t take long!” The man on the other side of the door promised.

“Don’t worry! Take your time!” Jim assured him, for he actually hoped the cleaning process would take as long as possible. Now the cleaner was in the other room, Jim could swiftly rush to his own bedroom, put on clothes and.... He indecisively eyed the shower cabin again, biting his lower lip. Should he? No. No! It would upset Bones more than he already was as it would put Jim extremely late for his job. But again, he was an admiral. So he could arrive a little later than usual, no one would tell him off. And he could make up an easy excuse to Lori.

_ You’re playing with fire, Jim Kirk! You’re playing with a big, dangerous fire! _

But again, when had he  _ not  _ played with it?

“What are ye doin’ Jim? Countn’ the ceramic tiles?” Bones scowled.

“Uh- No. I-I was…” Jim shamefully stammered.

“Then what the hell are you doin’ standin’ still like some petrified tree in front o’ me?” Bones grumbled.

As an answer, Jim slowly walked to the cabin’s door and carefully placed his palm against it.

“Ye gotta be kiddn’ me, Jim.” Bones chuckled. He was somehow grateful the blurry door hid his blushing cheeks from the admiral’s eyesight.

“Sorry.” Jim murmured, taking his hand back in regret. “I’m sorry, Bones. That… that was stupid. I should have known you... we… I-I shouldn’t… I should know my… your… ugh.” He grunted.

“Our boundaries?” Bones completed his sentence.

The admiral stared in regret at the fuzzy, blurred figure.

“What’s your boundaries exactly, Jim?” The doctor enquired with the most solemn, serious voice Jim had ever heard from his friend’s mouth. 

Both expected the admiral to respond “my future wedding”, “my faithfulness to my fiancée” but instead Jim simply answered:

“None.”

Bones sighed despite the nagging feeling of hope and happiness inside.

“I-I think… it was a mistake... asking Lori in marriage.” Jim admitted. “I’ve… I’ve realized it only… only last night.” He implied with a half-concealed fondness. “We… we don’t even know each other.” He appallingly realized. “At least not the way  _ we  _ know each other, Bones.” He warmly smiled. “She…” He bit his lip again. “She doesn’t make me feel like you, or Spock, make me feel. I could… I could get along with her really well and have amazing sex with her everyday, it wouldn’t…” His voice started to creak with emotion. “Wouldn’t equal the hundredth of what… what we did last night. Of what we lived together for years!” He sincerely exclaimed as he got no response from inside the cabin.

Bones was muffling his sobs with a hand plastered on his mouth.

“I… _ I _ wanted everything to stay as it was!” Jim cried out. “I was…” Tears rolled down his cheeks. “I was so happy on that… perfect starship!” He ruffled back his curls. “With my crew! With Spock!... with you! But I had to… I’ve ruined it all.” He deplored.

“Jim…” The warmed-hearted doctor started.

“And I had the gall to be angry at you and Spock…” The admiral whined as he was trying to wipe off his tears.

The cabin door slightly slid open.

“You were…  _ We  _ were wantin’ something I think.” Bones eluded.

Jim gasped in surprise and joy. Nevertheless, he hesitantly approached the cabin. Until a hand sharply pulled him inside. 


	13. Chapter 13

Jim almost crushed Bones’ body against the ceramic-tiled wall. 

“Oh damn, Bones!” The admiral jerked out in shock and delight. “I didn’t know you still had it in you.”

“There’s a lot that’s still in me, Jim.” The doctor smiled and looked down, right between Jim’s legs. “Oh.” He noticed. “Well, I’ll be damned.” He looked back at Jim’s reddening face. “Am _ I  _ the one that has so much effect on you, Jim?” He proudly smugged and arched an eyebrow.

The admiral glanced at his half-hardness, then back at Bones.

“Would seem so.” He muttered with an embarrassed tone, looking away.

“Now, there’s no need to feel ashamed about it.” Bones warmly grinned. “It’s perfectly natural and it’s hardly the first time I see an erecting man before my eyes.”

“What? How so?” Jim’s astonished eyes widened.

“Because I’m a doctor?” Bones arched his other eyebrow. 

“Oh yes. Of course.” Jim breathed out.

“What were you expecting me to answer, exactly? That I’ve slept with a garland of vigorous stallions like you did?”

“Well it would be ok-” Jim shrugged.

“Damn right it would be.” Bones cut him off, gritting his teeth. “Great. Thanks to you,  _ I’m  _ the embarrassed one now!” He grunted.

“How?”

“Do I need to sketch you a nice lil’ drawing, Jim? I’ve never done it with a guy! Happy now?” Bones scowled.

“But… but I thought you and Spock-” Jim blinked in disbelief.

“I meant a  _ human  _ guy, Jim! You ain’t gonna convince me doin’ it with Spock is the same as doin’ it with you!” Bones grouched. “Besides, we were not… fully ourselves when we did it. We had... drunk too much.” He poorly justified. “We were… desperate after losing you. Or so we thought.”

_ As I’m now desperate to lose you too.  _ Jim almost replied. Instead, he hugged the doctor’s wet and frail body.

“But you didn’t lose me.” He softly murmured in his friend’s ear. “I’m still here. And I’ll see that we never part before a long, long,  _ long  _ time.”

Bones soon hugged him back.

“Again with your syrupy promises, Jim… Candy words are nice but… acts are somethin’ else… don’t you think?” Bones implied.

As an answer, Jim started to softly, lovingly kiss his fresh temple and cheek. As if the doctor was a big, delicious popsicle he wanted to take his time to taste and savor.

“Ah… ya can go all the way, admiral.” Bones whispered. “Brushed my teeth as you ordered before entering.” 

Jim didn’t think twice and kissed him on the mouth. His stiff manhood soon rubbed against the doctor’s loin. But neither of them minded or even noticed it. Instead Bones slipped his fingers into Jim’s curls, sighing and moaning against his lips.

“I’m afraid you’ll soon have to retake a shower, doctor.” The admiral playfully teased before resuming his kiss.

“If that’s the price to pay to snuggle with you Jim, then I’ll gladly pay it.” Bones accepted his fate.

Jim kept on kissing him, hugged him tighter, and soon lifted him a few inches up the porcelain floor. The doctor gently put his arms around his neck. Their kiss wasn’t rough or ferocious. Just a simple, slow, warm, adoring, languorous kiss. A kiss that took its time to gently convey their feelings. If only today was the admiral’s day off… The latter softly let go of the doctor’s delighted lips.

“What if… we took a day off Bones?” Jim kindly whispered.

“What are ye sayin’ Jim? You’ve work today don’t you?” The smitten doctor murmured.

“Well… there’s someone currently scrubbing off a nasty vomit stain in  _ my  _ house. Nobody can know for sure it’s not mine.” Jim implied. “Also, I’ve been locked in my bathroom for quite a long time now.”

“What exactly are you suggesting, admiral?”

“What would you assume in the cleaning man’s shoes?”

“That… ye’re sick n’ you shouldn’t… you shouldn’t go to yer work today.” Bones’ face lit up as he finally understood. “Jim, you… ya nasty lil’ scoundrel.” He gave a radiant smile and gently rubbed his forehead against Jim’s.

“I have no merit. I must thank your Romulan rotgut.” Jim grinned in victory.

“Ye say I must be grateful for my alcoholism?” Bones scoffed. “Well, tha’ makes ah least one good thing about it.” 

“Don’t you dare use it as an excuse to see me more often.” The admiral’s smile slowly faded as his forehead gently pushed against the doctor’s as in a warning.

“Why that? Ya inten’ to see me more regularly?” Bones enquired, his eyes closed.

“Bones…” Jim whispered as he closed his own eyes. “I don’t want to see you just because you’re… in a rough patch.” He admitted. “If I could, I… I’d see you everyday.”

“Like back on the Enterprise?” Bones softly chuckled.

“Like back on the Enterprise.” Jim concurred in a weary sigh while putting the doctor back on his feet. “I’m an idiot, aren’t I, Bones? I’ve made the worst decision of my life, haven’t I?” He lamented.

“I’m not gonna tell you ya didn’t tempt fate Jim, but… but remember that decision helped to save millions of lives… including mine.” Bones reminded him.

Jim opened his eyes. Eyes that suddenly glittered up. He stared right into the doctor’s stunning, deep-blue, aquamarine eyes.

“You really can’t help being sweet, can you Bones?” Jim smiled in adoration.

“You’d rather I punch ya mouth out?”

“Kissing it… would be sufficient.” Jim invited.

Invitation that was quickly answered to.

Bones now understood why so many women loved kissing Jim, even women who didn’t even know him. The admiral kissed like an angel. Like a god. If angels and gods could kiss that is. Bones couldn’t help moaning against them. Against Jim’s magical kisses. He felt he could melt from the delight and pure bliss anytime. 

“Bones…” Jim softly groaned while rubbing his manhood a little harder against the doctor’s thigh. “ ‘m sorry…” He creaked.

“Sorrier than you, Jim.” Bones pressed his own shaft against the admiral’s.

Jim gasped in surprise and amazement.  _ That  _ was Bones’-? He stared at him in puzzlement.

“Yep. That’s what you inspire me, admiral.” The doctor answered Jim’s silent question.

_ Oh shit.  _ Jim thought.

“So… what now?” Bones asked.

Jim tenderly kissed him.

“Do… do you  _ want  _ to…?” He timidly asked, his cheeks already crimson hot.

“No, I’ve brought ya in here, while both fully naked, in a shower cabin to discuss quantum physics.” Bones sassed him.

Jim responded to that with another, fierier kiss, and started to gently rub himself against Bones’ manhood. Bones who rapidly answered it. They tried to moan the lowest possible, do it quietly, in order not to arouse the outside guy’s suspicions. They had other things to arouse for now.

Bones’ cheeks rapidly flushed and heated. Just as his man-hardness. He couldn’t believe it really was happening. Even after the night he’d shared with Jim, he still couldn’t believe it. Jim was kissing him in his bathroom, and rubbing his admiral rod against his own excited one. This was Heaven. It couldn’t be anything else than… Heaven. A tear rolled down his cheek. Jim gently cupped it and wiped away the tear. 

“I’ll make you feel good Bones…” The admiral tenderly breathed and resumed his loving kissing.

Bones gripped on the hand that was slowly warming his cheek and squeaked at the new rub. It did feel good. Felt amazing. Both felt their manhoods slowly, gradually heating, burning, swelling. Jim hugged him tight. And rubbed a little harder. Bones softly gasped at it. 

“Ah… Jim…” He moaned, burying his fingers into Jim’s hair. “Ya lil’... rabbit.” His cheeks like his shaft were on fire.

“Seeing rabbits again, doctor?” The admiral teased him.

“Seem very real to me now… admiral.” Bones replied before biting his lip and letting go of a blissful moan. “Oh God…” He cursed in pleasure. “Ya not a rabbit, ye’re… a goddamn lust demon!”

“I think… the appropriate term would be… incubus, doctor.” Jim breathed. He was close. He chaffed harder against the doctor’s bundle.

Bones jerked out a high-pitched gasp. So sweet to the rabbit admiral’s ears.

“Ye’re talkn’ like... Spock now…” The doctor joyfully moaned.

“I’ll take that as a…  _ fascinating  _ compliment...” He pronounced near the doctor’s ear.

“Ah… Ugh!” Bones moaned louder. “Spock… Spock!” Tears ran over his face. He remembered his ever last meeting with the Vulcan. 

_ “We shall not see each other again. Live long and prosper.” _

_ Spock. _

Their rub turned more burning and torrid.

The First officer firmly, feverishly squeezing his hand as a goodbye.

_ Spock! _

_ “Employ one of your own superstitions. Wish me luck.” _

_ Spock! _

_ “We’re going together or not at all!” _

_ Spock! _

The ray of Holy light that had bathed Spock when he had spotted him on Vulcan.

_ “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I missed you!” -“And I, you.” _

_ Spock… Spock! _

Their wild and senseless and thoughtless and furious sex they had during the Tholian incident.

_ “He means that when Humans become “ _ involved _ ” with Vulcans. _ ”

_ Fuck! Spock! _

_ Spock!! _

“Spock!!” Bones cried out, clutching on Jim’s hair, almost tearing some of it off and blissfully spurted out white droplets against Jim’s thigh. He loudly and exhaustingly gasped his joy. “Oh God!... Spock!...” He wept, staring at a blank spot on the ceiling, before collapsing into Jim’s arms; who had let it out slightly after the doctor. Both tried to catch their breath.

Jim said nothing. And contented himself with panting, firmly hugging the doctor against him, gently stroking his friend’s shivering back and softly rocking him. Enjoying the quiet afterglow.

“You… ya did it on purpose, Jim…” Bones breathed out in an exhausted voice.

The guilty as charged admiral remained silent.

“You… thank you Jim.” Bones wholeheartedly murmured and hugged his friend back. “Thank you.” He breathed. “Love you Jim.” He mumbled in a creaking voice. “I love you.” He whimpered against the admiral’s neck.

“I love you Bones.” Jim whispered with more conviction than the night before.

Yes he  _ did  _ love Bones and shouldn’t let a default marriage hinder that.


	14. Chapter 14

The doctor crumbled and wept on the admiral’s shoulder, hugging him tighter.

It tore Jim’s heart apart. He hated seeing people cry, but seeing sweet Bones cry… it shattered him inside.

“Bones…” He murmured.

“Admiral Kirk?” A voice Jim had completely forgotten about its owner called just behind the locked door of the bathroom, making the admiral flinch. “I have just finished. Are you alright?”

_ Shit. Must be due to Bones who just screamed Spock’s name.  _ Jim assessed.

“Yes. I’m alright. Perfectly fine.” He lied only a half.

“Are you sure? Don’t you want me to call a doctor?”

_ I already have a doctor in my shower cabin! _ Jim almost replied.

“I am… I  _ am  _ a doctor…” A drowsy from orgasm Bones lowly grumbled.

Given a second thought, Jim  _ had  _ told his momentarily euphoric friend he would call a doctor or a nurse to take care of him. But he couldn’t call, or let the cleaner guy call, a medic from Starfleet. And if he precised that condition to the man, the latter would ask him why and maybe relay the information from mouth to ear until it reaches  _ Lori’s  _ ears. No, he would call the medic himself and keep it a secret.

“No, I don’t! I tell you I’m fine! Now good day to you!” Jim bid him a bit dryly. “Your payment is on the table near the entrance!”  _ And the exit. _

“Uh… alright! Good bye then! And thank you!” 

Jim felt a bit cruel treating the man like that. He hadn’t done anything wrong; quite the opposite! It was nice from him to worry about the potential sickness of the admiral. But when Jim heard the entrance door finally closing shut, he could breathe out. He looked back at Bones.

“Are you alright?” He kindly enquired at the covered in all kinds of waters face. “Can you shower on your own?” 

“F’ I said yes, would you go away?” Bones answered with a rhetorical question.

“If you wanted me so, yes.” Jim replied.

“I  _ don’  _ wan’ it.” Bones declared.

Jim found himself smiling with pure happiness. The doctor was here since the night before only and they already behaved like a cute, domestic couple. With Lori, even if they did kiss and have sex, it always felt like a strictly professional relationship. The worst being this  _ was  _ why Jim was attracted to her. Her professionalism, her ambition and her love of responsibilities. What was wrong with him?

“If I stay, your shower may last a whole day.” He teased before kissing the wet cheek.

“I will to sacrifice myself, admiral.” Bones imitated his playful tone.

Jim beamed at that and grabbed a washing glove nearby. He switched on the running water.

“Let’s begin with your face then.”

“Again?” Bones winced. “Does my face remind you that much of a cesspool, Jim?” He grouched.

“Your face looks like a beautiful, colorful wildflowers field on a bright, warm summer day, Bones. But even flowers can be damaged by rain.” He recited while gently wiping the tears away from the dumbfounded doctor’s face.

“By now, I don’.... I can’t even say if ya makin’ fun of me… or if you’re courting me.” Bones blushed.

“Why not both?” Jim kissed his other cheek. “Now if you would turn around please.”

“Oh now!” The doctor scowled. “Subtlety is gone now, ain’ it?” He groaned but obeyed nonetheless.

“Stop whining!” Jim affectionately smiled. “I’m only going to give you a nice scrub. Now quiet and let your…” He hesitated. “...your  _ captain  _ do the job.”

“Alright.” Bones said. “ _ Captain _ .” He smirked in the corner of his mouth.

The doctor heard Jim pick up something, probably a soap, and rub it on the washing glove. He slightly yelped and flinched when Jim placed the soaked and cold glove in the middle of his unprepared back.

“Bones, may I?” The admiral softly asked.

“You may…  _ Captain _ .” The doctor coyly answered.

Though he couldn’t see him, Bones knew Jim was presently grinning with joy, beaming like a sun behind him. He grunted and swallowed a little when Jim started to scrub his back. 

“Is it nice?” Jim enquired.

“Course it is.” Bones breathed out.

He felt the admiral stepping closer to him, then gripping on his hip with his free hand. Jim’s hand was warm. Not really smooth, but nicely warm. Jim’s entire being was incarnated smoothness so it wasn’t a big deal if his hand didn’t follow. Jim’s other hand was busy scrubbing, almost stroking the skin of the doctor’s back. In slow and gentle movements. Bones smiled. He couldn’t help but smile. And blush. If only every of his mornings could be like that, he wished. Without turning his head, he felt the wash cloth gently sliding down his arm to his wrist, then slowly up. 

“Can you lift up your arm?” Jim asked.

“Of course I can!” The doctor scoffed in an amused smile. “What are you takin’ me for? A crippled grandmother?” He did as he was asked. “I have depression, not arthritis!”

“Is this your new catchphrase?” Jim chuckled as he was scrubbing under the doctor’s armpit.

“Shut up, Jim.” Bones grumbled.

The admiral lively laughed at that and took care of his grumpy friend’s other arm. Bones surprisingly behaved cooperatively. Like a good child. Or like a depressed person. He really had to call a doctor, a healthy doctor, right after the shower.

“Right. Turn around.”

Which Bones quietly did; not without a shade of blush on his cheeks. The evidence of their mutual chaffing was still sticking on the doctor’s skin. Jim blushed deeper than him. They really had done it.

“What is it?” Bones chuckled. “Can’t look at our first combined work since our leave from the Enterprise?”

_ Enterprise _ .

That was the most wonderful, most bitter-sweet word to the admiral’s heart. 

He didn’t answer that question and looked at the doctor, asking silently if he could carry on. Bones smiled and slightly nodded. Jim shyly placed the washing glove against the doctor’s chest. And froze. Stopped to move. His whole face was on fire. He could feel it. He had almost forgotten how much he was attracted to manly, hairy chest like this, as much as he was to feminine breasts. To his defense, he hadn’t slept that much with human men compared to the women. His last male adventures dated back to his academy years; though he had been feeling attracted to men way after that. The one he’d felt attracted the most, and the longest to was Spock. How many times had Jim felt hot like in an oven, how many times had he craved to have Spock wildly screw him like a pre-Reform Vulcan simply by glancing and staring at his naked body, something Jim had so few blessed occasions to gaze at? His cute pointed ears, his sturdy, solid arms, his thick, hairy chest… Just like this one, just like Bones’... Shit, was he getting hard again? That wasn’t the moment, dammit!

“Jim? You alright?” Bones enquired. “You’ve been staring at my tits for quite a cringey moment.” He notified the admiral who snapped out of his erotic reverie.

“Oh. Sorry. It...it’s nothing.” Jim lied.

“If my body troubles you that much, I can go on by myself.” Bones kindly suggested.

“What? No! It doesn’t… I-I  _ like  _ your body, Bones!” Jim claimed out of the blue before gasping with horror.

“Really?” The surprised but pleased doctor chuckled in a large grin.

“Well, I…” Jim tried and failed to figure out a believable excuse. “Yes. I do.” He admitted in a scarlet blush.

“Well, in that case…” Bones suggestively rolled down his eyes, then up back at the admiral’s reddish face. “I like  _ your  _ body as well.”

That didn’t help Jim to feel less alarmed, less overwhelmed with emotion or to stop blushing. He shook off his head, attempting to shake it all away, and started to scrub Bones’ skin again, as if none of these flaming declarations had happened. 

_ This carpet of hairs on your chest is one of the hottest things I’ve ever seen!  _ Jim almost screamed. _ I even wonder if it isn’t hotter than Spock’s! I also love the thick hairs on your arms! I think they’re cute! Every kind of hair on you is cute! I love your arms! They’re sturdy and strong! Yet they’re the warmest and kindest things ever! They take care of people, they heal them and soothe them! I wish I could make a trail of kisses on them from your kind, soft hand to your shoulder! _

Jim faintly bit his lip, tried to refrain from sobbing and kept on scrubbing the doctor’s chest.

“I think it’s… alright here, Jim.” Bones softly notified him.

“Oh! Sorry. I was… elsewhere.” The admiral lied again.

_ Why in the name of everything that’s good and just in the universe have I not proposed to YOU? Why haven’t I proposed to you and Spock during our mission together? _

Two small teardrops he didn’t notice rolled down his face.

“Is that elsewhere  _ that  _ gloomy, Jim?” The doctor tenderly asked in a half whisper.

Jim looked up and wiped off his tears. He sighed.

“Wish it was.” He mumbled before carrying on his scrubbing job on patient Bones’ stomach, then on his… He froze again.

“Ugh. Jim…” Bones sighed. Not with annoyance or impatience, but with empathy and deep compassion. “If that disturbs you so much, I assure you I can-”

“Bones. I’ve just touched it with my own… package. I think I can touch it with a gloved hand.” Jim retorted with the least confident voice ever. His shaft already began to stand up again, he realized in dread.

Nonetheless, he did as he’d asserted. Bones didn’t protest or flinched. Deep down, Jim had hoped for a reaction from him, even a tiny, small one. Though, he thought for a moment he’d heard a faint moan. His work done, he stared down the white, blank floor. Blank. Like his love life. Why did he feel so embarrassed all at once? Only now? Was it due to his cock that really was too lively today? No, there was something else. Something more. 

“Well, I… I’ll leave the rest to you Bones.” He shamefully mumbled and walked out the cabin, then out of the bathroom. 

Leaving Bones alone to rinse himself. 


	15. Chapter 15

Bones finished his shower in such a terrible mood it felt like he was in the death row, taking his last shower before the execution. Then a glimmer of hope lept inside when he heard the bathroom door open. 

“I have… found some clothes for you.” Jim quickly notified him with clear embarrassment in his voice. “I think they’re… your size.”

“Thank you, Jim.”

The admiral left the bathroom without a reply.

Bones pondered. Maybe Jim started to regret what they’ve done together since the night before. Jim regretted and felt shameful about cheating on his future wife with the doctor. That was understandable. More than understandable! Now Jim wanted to spend the least time with Bones. Maybe he didn’t want to see the doctor ever again. Bones felt the warm tears stinging his washed out eyes and softly running on his cheeks. He roughly wiped them. So be it. If Jim needed him out of his life, then it was his friend duty to keep out. What did Spock use to say?  _ The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.  _ That was it. The doctor’s utter, dreadful, ghastly pain and crushing loneliness mattered less than Jim’s and his fiancée’s marital happiness. Alright. After he dried himself and put on Jim’s clothes, he would quickly disappear from the admiral’s life. These clothes, as well as these wonderful night and morning, would be a sweet reminder of his friend, Bones thought as he was dressing. To his surprise, they weren’t that oversized or loose. He and Jim didn’t share the quite same size after all. Probably very old clothes.

The doctor faced Jim’s bedroom door with alarm and confusion. Should he at least say goodbye before getting out of his life forever or run away like the guiltiest convict? He swallowed. He wasn’t sure.

“Jim?” He dared.

He got no response. His heart furiously pounding out of sheer fright, like Jim would jump at his throat and stab him or strangle him to death, he pushed the door as if made of stone. He found a sitting admiral, with a shirt on, his back turned, his head pitifully down.

“Jim, I…” The doctor was at loss for appropriate words. He just tried to swallow his upcoming tears. “I’m sorry, I… I’ll probably… I probably should go now. Thank you for… the clothes and… the rest.” He eluded before he started to step away.

“Bones.” The admiral talked at last. The doctor couldn’t tell if he was ordering or pleading him to stay.

“Yes?” A new surge of hope made Bones’ heart beat.

Jim turned around. His eyes usually so warm and cheerful were glistening and gleaming with tears. That smashed the doctor’s heart into pieces. And that was his fault. That was his fault if Jim was crying. He couldn’t take it anymore, he had to blast off! But the glistening eyes seemed like they also ordered the doctor not to leave.

“I’ve made a terrible, tremendous mistake Bones.” Jim creaked, on the verge of tears.

Bones bit his lower lip, dangerously close to sobbing too.

“I know.” He muttered.

“You know?” Jim squinted, looking astonished.

“I’m... the best placed to know it.” Bones cheerlessly chuckled.

“Yes… you’re right.” Jim looked away, half a pensive smile on his face.

“And I’m… I want you to know I’m profoundly sorry for it!” Bones cried out.

“So am I, Bones!” Jim suddenly clarionned. “So am I!” He sprang back up and rushed to the doctor, with a warm smile. Which confused the doctor. 

But what confused the doctor most was when the admiral embraced and warmly hugged him.

“I love you, Bones!” Jim moaned against the doctor’s neck, with obvious tears in his voice. “I know it, now! I’m so sorry, so awfully sorry it took me so long to realize it!” He cried. “I love  _ you _ ! It’s  _ you  _ I love!  _ You  _ I cherish!  _ You  _ I should marry!” He sobbed his heart out.

_ What? What?? WHAT???  _

_ That _ was what the admiral regretted?? He didn’t regret what he and Bones- The doctor hugged Jim tight and vainly tried not to burst into tears on the admiral’s shoulder. No. He shouldn’t feel happy! He shouldn’t feel happy, feel heavenly blessed that Jim was about to dump his fiancée for him! It was wrong! So wrong… Yet Bones didn’t want to leave Jim’s arms for anything in the world! The tearful yet joyous admiral cupped his face, made him look at him. His wonderful, beaming smile back on his face. He gently ran a hand into Bones’ damp hair. If this situation lasted any longer, Bones would soon stop to take any responsibility for his behavior. He nervously swallowed a thick, emotional lump.

The doctor’s lips twitched. It was so cute. Or so Jim thought. His fiery heart pounded hard at the idea to marry this cutie, this… this angel! His sweet angel… His pretty doctor. He couldn’t help it. He took a deep breath, shut his eyes and kissed Bones’ lips lovingly, his hands still tenderly cupping the doctor’s cheeks.

“What do you say, Bones?” He softly whispered. “How about marrying that lonely nerd from the library?” He grinned.

If Bones’ heart pounded harder, it would explode.

Without further thought, in fact all kinds of thoughts had left his mind, he smashed his starving, addicted lips against the delighted admiral’s. And kissed him like it was the last thing he would do of his life. Both were surprised at the ardent fierceness of the doctor’s kiss. Even Jim never kissed like that.

“Jim…” Bones sighed, out of breath, then slightly shook his head. “But… what about Ciana?”

“She’s an adult.” Jim protested, himself trying to catch his breath. “She... she’ll understand. Besides, since she needs me for her projects, the worst I’m likely to get will be a frowned face for a couple of weeks at most. Maybe a bit of harassing too. But I’ve dealt with much worse than that, haven’t I?” He proudly smirked. “And need I remind you that you’re worth all kinds of problems I can get? Including a vindictive woman? I want to marry  _ you  _ Bones, and nothing can change my mind, not even an angry admiral, were she stronger than me.” 

“Still… you betrothed yourself to her, Jim.” The doctor attempted to remind Jim of the significance of the marriage sacrament. Or tried to make up an excuse to refuse Jim’s too good to be true, or felt like undeserved, proposal. Besides, his former captain was known to flirt with the first pretty person he bumps into. If Jim could throw away overnight his oath made to his future wife, who could tell he wouldn’t do the same with Bones? Bones he certainly didn’t love as much as his multiple conquests, or as Spock.

“Bones, as I’ve  _ told  _ you, that marriage idea between her and I was a mistake. I met her only  _ one  _ year ago. Do you really think it’s true love between her and I? While you and I... how long have  _ we  _ been knowing each other?” 

Though a part of the doctor screamed, ordered him to accept Jim’s proposal, another more pessimistic, more insidious part murmured to him it was a bad idea to accept it. The doctor remembered all the times Jim claimed he was in wonderful love with that girl he’d just met, to instantly forget her once their mission closed. He remembered his own utter fiasco with Natira, the ghastly sacrifice and death of patient and wondrous Dwen, his divorce with his first and only wife Jocelyn, the dumping of Nancy and Tonia... Everytime he betrothed himself to someone, it always ended up in a monstrous disaster. Like God himself wanted to show Leonard McCoy wasn’t made for romantic relationships. Like Leonard McCoy only brought misery and pain and death when he entered into any kind of relation outside the doctor/patient one. Like it was better for the world, for everyone that the doctor stopped trying to get close to people. What’s more, Bones really felt like the worst, most horrendous of homewreckers. How did his happiness matter more than admiral Ciana’s, no matter the spite he had for the woman? The smile he may have had on his face faded away as fast as it had come.

“I… I’m sorry…” He faintly shook his head. “I can’t say yes, Jim.” He murmured.

Jim’s beaming, sparkly, bright grin crashed down.

“You- you think I’m going too fast?” He enquired.

Bones’ weary heart skipped a beat. Why was Jim the flightiest yet the sweetest man in the universe? He lamented internally.

“No. Jim, I... “ Bones bit his lip in hesitation. “I  _ want  _ to be with you more than anything else!” He exclaimed. “It just… it just feels wrong. Terribly wrong.”

“Wh-why would you think it’s  _ wrong _ ?” Jim urged him. “I  _ love  _ you, Bones!” He firmly asserted. “If… if you love me too, then  _ how  _ marrying each other could be wrong?” He creaked.

“Don’t make me explain, please…” Bones whimpered.

The disappointed admiral now looked like a guilty puppy. 

“I’m sorry…” Bones breathed.

_ I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for making you sad, Jim. _

“Alright… Alright.” Jim pitifully nodded in acknowledgement. “If you ever change your mind, just tell me. Know that it absolutely does  _ not  _ make me love you any less.” Jim took his chin to bring his gleaming blue eyes back to him. 

Bones couldn’t help softly smiling back.

“As my refusal doesn’t mean at all I don’t love you enough.” He groaned through tears.

Jim faintly smiled and pressed his forehead against the doctor’s.

“My proposal will  _ always  _ stand.” He asserted in a calm voice. “Don’t think it’ll end up like with Natira. Even years, even decades later, I will  _ still  _ say yes to you.”

“So sweet, sugar-sweetie Jim.” Bones chuckled in a half-glad smile. “Ya can’t predict the future. As you can’t stay certain of some things forever.” Bones unwillingly implied Jim’s change of mind regarding admiralty, his endless garland of girlfriends he’d promised moons and stars to instantly get over them; and Natira’s change of mind regarding wedding matters. “And I won’t have you remain a bachelor all your life just for my eyes.”

“How could I not submit myself to such beautiful eyes, doctor?” Jim beamed brighter, cupped his friend’s wet face and gently tried to wipe away his tears.

Bones’ hearty chuckle made teardrops squirt out of the corners of his eyes and his smile grow three sizes.

“You’re so pretty, so pretty when you smile Bones…” Jim sighed in awe before kissing his friend’s cheek a couple of times. “Like a pure, immaculate angel…” He praised the doctor’s beauty into the Bones’ ear.

“If I didn’t know you any better, I’d think you’ve drunk up my Romulan ale, Jim…” 

“But you  _ do  _ know me well, Bones…” Jim whispered languorously.

“One of the reasons why I can’t marry you…” Bones let escape from his unguarded mouth.

“What?” Jim stared at him, shocked and aghast. “What does that mean?”

“Shit… Jim, I… I just don’t want you to make a decision you may regret…”

“I can  _ never  _ regret marrying one of the men I love the most!” Jim asserted, running his hand through the doctor’s hair.

“Ugh, Jim…” Bones grunted. “Haven’t you noticed I… I only bring pain to all the people I want to love?”

“What the hell, Bones?” Jim took great offense. “You’re a doctor! You  _ save  _ people! You  _ relieve  _ people of their pain! How can you claim-?”

“What about Natira? Lieutenant Barrows? Jocelyn? Nancy?... Dwen?” The doctor croaked the last name.

“Why do you think the problem always comes from you? From you at all?” Jim cupped his cheek. “They all had their reasons to… do what they did. Alright? And... you can never hurt me, Bones.  _ Never _ . Do you understand?”

“There’s… not just that, Jim.”

“What?”

“I don’... wan’ you to make a decision... ya might regret short after. I know how… ye’re prompt to propose to all the people ya like but…”

Jim let his hands fall on the doctor’s shoulders.

“You’re talking about all the times I’ve flirted with people we met on our five-year mission?” He muttered.

“I’m sorry Jim, I-I didn’ want to make it sound like that…”

The admiral hugged Bones. Tightly.

“ _ I _ am sorry, Bones.” He corrected the doctor. “I understand. I’ve… done everything so you could… doubt the genuinity of my feelings for you.” Jim mumbled. He didn’t imply just his countless flirts, but also the dreadful cruelty he’d treated Bones with a few months ago. “I  _ do  _ love you, Bones.” He softly kissed his friend’s neck. “I  _ know  _ it. Apart from Spock, I’ve never felt like this for anyone, Bones.  _ Anyone _ .”

“So if Spock was still here… you’d marry  _ him _ ?” The doctor craintively asked. _ Instead of me. _

“I’d marry the  _ both  _ of you.” Jim emphasized, hugging Bones slightly tighter. “You’re by no means a… default marriage, Bones. You  _ never  _ will be. I don’t love Spock more than I love  _ you _ .” He gently stroked the doctor’s hair. “I hope… you can believe me someday.”

“I do… believe you… Jim.” Bones whimpered.

“Then we surely  _ will  _ marry someday.” The admiral smiled and kissed his neck again. “Think of it as… destiny.”

The doctor didn’t wryly retort at that. Which surprised Jim. He looked up. The doctor had passed out.

“Bones!” Jim softly shook him in an attempt to wake him up. “Bones…” He pulled open an eyelid. Caressed a cheek. No effect. Only one solution. Lay down the doctor into his own bed and immediately call a doctor. A  _ civilian  _ doctor. Jim slipped an arm behind Bones’ legs and carried his friend like a man carries his bride. Obviously Jim hoped he could factly do it someday. But not with Lori. He carefully laid down the doctor on his mattress. Placed an ear against the doctor’s heart; and huffed out in relief. Bones was breathing and his heart beated normally. Probably the overload of emotions had struck down the doctor. Jim longingly stared at him. And remembered that one other time he’d carried Bones like a dying princess. That one other rare, too rare, time he had dreaded losing his friend. Due to a terribly painful death. That one too rare time he’d realized he cared deeply, he profoundly cherished his doctor. A death Bones had voluntarily chosen; in order to save Jim and Spock from it. 

_ Stupid, selfless doctor.  _ The admiral tenderly caressed his cheek again and pulled the blanket over him. “Rest, Bones. You need it.” He gently smoothed the graying hair. 


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cooking Mama Jim.

As Jim was heading to his kitchen, his empty arms carried the ghost of the dreadfully feather-light weight of the doctor. Also his arms and legs had felt thinner than usual. As if the doctor weighed no heavier than a newborn kitten. So light and frail even Jim’s academy-years skimpy clothes sized too large on Bones’ already small and obviously under-nourished body. And Jim wasn’t already putting on weight back then, was he? He even was the thinnest boy of his promotion.   
Were the recent events with Jim and Dwen the cause of such a frail, almost friable body? Were the causes more ancient? The more the admiral thought about it, the more he painfully realized how much he had taken Bones for granted, how little, how scarcely he had wondered about Bones’ health and well-being unless Bones showed signs of or admitted his imminent death. Was it because Bones was a doctor? Because like everyone else Jim was rootedly used to being taken care of by Bones and never the opposite? Jim shook off his head. Now was no longer the time to wonder about what could have happened if he had acted differently. No one could change the past. What’s done is done. What was the Vulcan phrase again?  _ Kaiidth _ ? No. There was no point in regretting Spock either. He was gone and would never go back. Jim had to get over that fact. Just as he couldn’t cancel his acceptance of admiralty or the death of Keriwen Llewelyn. The only thing Jim could actually do in the present was to take care of his friend (and maybe future husband). He resolutely made up his mind. He’d do everything in his power to make that day the best day ever for Bones. 

First, he had to call the civilian doctor. He thought he knew someone who could perfectly do the job. He dialed her number. 

“Hello? Doctor Nesanet Berhane please. Tell her this is Jim Kirk.”

She would be here in two hours. It’s been some time since the last he and her had talked together. After his graduation. Maybe even a little before that. When he and Bones had graduated, she had already been assigned to a starship a few weeks before. He had tried to hit on her but she cleverly had made him understand to fuck off with his lame pick-up lines, that they wouldn’t work on her. Strangely it had made Jim like her even more. In a way, she was a lot like Spock. She cleverly witted and sassed in almost the same sophisticated, sharp, wounding yet arousing way as Spock. Jim shook off his head again. She was  _ not  _ Spock. What did he expect? That once arrived at his threshold she’d magically transformed into his favorite science officer and let him wildly make out with her? And she was coming for Bones, not Jim! That was why he’d called her in the first place, wasn’t it? At least, Jim knew she liked him enough not to blow off his secret about skipping work today, as she wouldn’t ask him or Bones any intrusive question that would be out of her medical job. What would she gain tricking Jim like that anyway? His attention got back to the kitchen.

Though it’s been years since the last time Jim had actually cooked, and the presence of domestic replicators in the house didn’t help, he tried to figure out what he could do with the natural food of his cupboards and his little, hopefully not that rusty, hands.

_ Let’s see… Are the eggs still edible? _ He wondered before opening his fridge and taking out the egg box. He glanced at the sell-by date. They were. He put them on a table and rummaged about his cupboards. He picked peanut butter, peaches, apples, brown sugar, cornstarch, pecans and sliced bread. What could he do with all this? First he intended to fry a few eggs. And maybe use the rest for something else later. As the eggs were quietly frying and crackling in the pan, Jim set the dining table. Two plates, two glasses, two forks, etc. Right after, an idea struck him. He stared back at the things he’d taken out. Was there milk somewhere? Rice milk maybe? Better regarding Bones’ recent digestive problems… What about some apple juice? And what to do with the peaches? 

10 am. 

Nesanet would soon be here. Why was he so nervous to meet her? She was a working adult now. And so was he. She had changed… And so had he. Jim bitterly remembered. She must have a lot of other things, more important things, in mind than the young brat who poorly tried to pick her up only once. She probably had forgotten about him now. Apart from that, the breakfast he’d managed to cook was ready. He just had to wait for Bones to wake up and feel good enough to consider eating. 

A ring at the door.

Nesa.

Jim took a deep breath, checked his hairdo and went to open the door.

“Hello, Jim. Or should I say Admiral now?” Dr Berhane offered her hand for him to shake. She smiled.

Shit. She was more gorgeous, more beautiful than in his memories. She looked magnificent, yes, but the admiral quickly came back to his senses and remembered he had promised himself to Bones. Besides, she could be all beautiful as she wanted, she didn’t have the divine sky-blue eyes of Bones. Or maybe this was the only excuse Jim had made up to stop thinking Nesa looked absolutely hot. Was hers a polite or genuine smile? Jim couldn’t tell. At least her tone sounded cordial. He firmly shook her hand.

“Nesa. I’m so happy you’re here!” He sincerely beamed at her. “Thank you for troubling yourself to walk up here!” He shook her hand again with both of his.

“What kind of doctor would I be if I declined every patient who lives too far away to my taste?” She sassed him in a shrug. Good sign. “I have taken the bus actually. I also enjoy a little walk in the morning. Helps me to stay awake and alert. Well? Won’t you invite me, admiral? Or have I to deliver my consultation outdoors?”

“Oh! Sorry, please come inside.” Jim showed her the way. She was here for barely one minute, she had sassed him twice already. She hadn’t changed that much in the end.

“Oh.” Dr Berhane noticed the nice breakfast the admiral had just finished to cook. “For me, Jim?” She gave him a sly look and an inquisitive smirk. “Is it my payment? I wasn’t asking for that much.” She teased.

“Oh. No, it’s-! Well, I guess you… and it would be rude of me to… after all the way you’ve travelled until here…” Jim stuttered, utterly embarrassed.

“Still freaking out and bashful when a girl takes you by surprise?” She softly laughed. “Some things never change, don’t they?”

_ Yes. Like the deep, undying love I’ve been having for my two closest friends; yet always repressed _ . Jim regretted.

“For your ill friend, isn’t it? You’ve thought good.” She nodded in approval, staring at the breakfast. “Water and carbs are the best treatments against a hangover. After a doctor, of course.” She proudly smiled.

Jim blushed like a child his teacher just congratulated.

“Don’t worry, I’ve already eaten. But in case you intended to seduce me with your cooking skills, I remind you I’m a happily married woman, Jim.” Dr Berhane reminded him in a joking tone.

_ Makes at least  _ one  _ of us. _ Jim thought.

“So, where is my patient?” Nesanet enquired.

“In my bedroom, I-I mean,...  _ one  _ of the bedrooms.” Jim fearfully corrected. Too late.

She raised her eyebrows, puzzled. That was one feature she didn’t share with Spock.

“Alright…” She commented. “I see.”

“I’ll… I’ll go wake him.” A blushing admiral walked past Nesanet without further chatting. And embarrassment.

He felt a bit guilty pulling out Bones from a much needed slumber but Nesa was here to help  _ him  _ after all. Bones was still firmly asleep. He looked like he was having a good dream. Looked like an angel. A pure, innocent angel. Which loaded even more guilt into Jim’s heart. What was he dreaming of? His daughter? Spock? Dwen?... Their future marriage? Jim lovingly smiled. He slightly curled his fingers and slowly, tenderly caressed the doctor’s cheek with the back of his hand. If only all of the admiral’s mornings could look like that, Jim wished. Bones’ cute sleepy face faintly twitched but he didn’t wake up. Jim glanced at the bare arm that was resting over the blanket. His hand switched from Bones’ cheek to his arm. His friend’s warm, smooth skin felt so nice under his touch. If only Jim could caress, worship all of his skin, all of his body… He stroked the long-haired part of Bones’ arm, which felt fuzzy, then the rest, the naked, sensitive skin underneath the arm and above the elbow. It felt so wonderfully smooth, so warm, like velvet the admiral yearned to caress the skin of his friend all day. He wanted to seek him more, discover him, explore him more... He heard a soft whimper and caught a slight frown on Bones’ face. Jim sighed. His cute grumpy doctor was coming back. He cupped his cheek and softly, fondly caressed it again. 

“Wake up, Bones.” He softly whispered. “Wake up.”

The breathtaking, heavenly blue eyes adorably fluttered open. 

“Hey. Sleeping beauty.” Jim grinned.

“Jim?”

“Your doctor is here.” Jim kindly murmured.

“Wh-what? Jim…” Bones hastily ruffled his sheets away and sat up.

“Don’t worry.” Jim assured. He grabbed and gently squeezed one of his hands. “She’s a civilian. And one of the most trustworthy people I know to keep a secret.”

“Well, she  _ better  _ if she’s a doctor…” Bones adorably groaned.

Jim beamed at that.

“I’ll bring her here.”


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dr Berhane gives piece of advice to the good admiral.

Jim gone again, Bones hated, absolutely hated that insidious, poisonous jealousy feeling parasitizing his mind after the admiral told him the doctor he had chosen was a woman. Jim liked men too and he didn’t always want to make out with every girl he met. Sometimes it even was the reverse. When the door opened again, Bones’ heart shattered and sunk in despair. She looked amazingly gorgeous. He secretly prayed she was a terrible, incompetent doctor. Despite his obvious need for a competent one.

Jim waited at the set table. He would wait for Bones before starting to eat his home-made peach cake and fried eggs. He looked up. Nesanet was back. 

“How is he?” He hastily enquired, standing up from his chair.

“Could be worse. But could be better too.” She reviewed. “Alcoholism is a hard thing to get rid of. Especially when you don’t _want_ to get rid of it.” She implied. “And when it’s been lingering here for years.”

Jim faintly gasped in horror.

“Years?” He repeated in a breath. “How… how many years?” He feared to ask.

“Enough. I’d say about seven years. Maybe more.” Nesanet assessed.

Something exploded and sunk in the admiral’s heart. Seven? At _least_ seven? That meant… that meant Bones already had drinking issues way before the incident with Dwen, way before their five-year assignment! And Jim had seen nothing! Bones had told him nothing! Just when was he intending to- but Jim perfectly knew Bones never would have told him. He rather would have died from a cirrhosis before! The admiral clenched his fists in helplessness. 

“Jim? Are you ok?”

Shit. He hadn’t noticed he was displaying a horrendous face to the poor Dr Berhane who didn’t ask for it. 

“Yes.” He cleared his throat. “Yes, I’m ok Nesa.”

“Rule number one of the patient: never lie to your doctor.” She admonished him. “Didn’t your doctor friend teach you that?” She wryly smiled.

“He did.” Jim fondly smiled. “I just always was a disastrous student.” He admitted.

“You? A disastrous student?” She chuckled.

“Well, after my graduation at least.”

“Captaincy gives you strange powers, doesn’t it?” She guessed.

And guessed right.

“Yes. Yes it does.” The admiral agreed.

_Though not enough power to declare yourself to your best friends and keep them with you. It rather drains you off that power._

Dr Berhane stared at him with clear sympathy in her brown eyes. She stepped closer to him.

“Take good care of him, Jim.” She commanded more than she advised. Before Jim could outcry _“Of course I will!”_ she carried on. “Take care of yourself too. Oh, and call a counselor too. Here’s the number of a good one.” She took a small piece of cardboard with her printed coordinates on it and scribbled a phone number on the back. She handed it to Jim.

“Thank you, Nesa. Thank you… for everything.” He sincerely thanked her.

“Don’t mention it.” She smiled. “Make sure he drinks a lot of water, and if you have it, some lemon juice, make him eat a good meal, preferably healthy,” She listed on her fingers. “And above all, above _all_ , get rid of all his booze and prevent him from obtaining it again.”

“I don’t even know where he got it!” Jim exclaimed.

“Are you a Starfleet admiral or not? You can obtain that kind of trifling information in a matter of microseconds, can’t you? And if you can’t, there is another simple way: _ask_ him.” Nesanet retorted. 

Ask him. Just ask him.

Something so simple yet something Jim had seldom thought to do.

“Of course.” He faintly smiled. “Thank you. Oh, I almost forgot. Your payment.” He suddenly remembered.

“Leave it, Jim. Take my visit as a service from an old friend.” Dr Berhane winked. 

“But you’ve done so much, I-!”

“Alright. I’ll have a slice of your nice cake then. Besides, that way you’ll know if it tastes good.” She eyed the light brown peach cake.

“A doctor, a food critic, is there any other profession you excel in?” Jim grinned at her.

“Pro athlete too. Retired though. Too much time-consuming. Speaking of consuming…”

“Got it, doctor. Here.” He sliced a small piece of the cake and handed it to her. “By all means, be the most honest in the world. I don’t want to give poison to Bones.”

“Until now, I’ve never met anyone that fell ill because of peaches, Jim. Though I expect Bones isn’t nut-allergic?” She raised an eyebrow when she noticed the bits of pecans.

“He’s not. I… I don’t think so. He…” _Shit. Shit, shit!_ “He never mentioned it.”

Nesanet sighed. Apparently she thought as well that Jim was a hopeless case. 

“I suppose there is dairy in it too?” She assumed.

“No. No, there isn’t.”

Jim couldn’t even remember if he had ever seen Bones drink or eat dairy.

“Good. We wouldn’t have a triple ill patient, would we? Also dairy is shit. Cow dairy at least.” She assessed. “If you want to get sick sooner and deeper, eat dairy everyday.”

“I guess it’s a good point for me then?” The admiral secretly praised himself.

“A big star for you, good boy.” She bit into her cake slice. “It’s fabulous, Jim.” She sincerely commented. “Tastes really good. Amazing. Won’t you reconvert yourself into a starred chef?” She joked. 

“Because I’ve managed to make only one decent dessert? You’re overestimating me, doctor.” Jim softly laughed.

“I hope I do not.” Nesanet quickly finished her cake. “That man in your bedroom needs help, Jim. A lot of help. And a friend like you won’t be too much. Do your best so he gets better. Even just a little.” She glanced at her watch. “Well, I must go. Thank you for the cake.”

“Don’t mention it. Thanks for your food critic input.” The admiral returned her compliments.

She smiled at him, walked to the entrance door, then turned back. 

“It was nice seeing you again, Jim.” She genuinely smiled at him.

“The feeling is happily returned, Nesa.” He replied.

She grinned, then turned at the door and walked out.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim and Bones take a breakfast.

The admiral went back to his occupied bedroom.

“So? How was she? Pretty effective, isn’t she?” He forced a light-hearted smile to his six-feet-under-looking friend.

“Yeah, she’s pretty.” Bones mumbled. “She’s beautiful, Jim. N’ very clever. A top-class physician.” He bitterly regretted.

Jim knew what the doctor implied.

“Bones, I’ve called her because she is one of the rare civilian doctors I-”

“I know, I know.” Bones lamely shook his head. “Sorry. Your instincts were good, Jim.”

_Don’t start talking like Lori now. Besides that’s a blatant lie._

“You’ve guessed right by the way.” Bones added. “She’s a pro. Maybe I should see her in the next days. But…” He grimly looked away. He couldn’t help thinking about all these countless times Jim had hit on and slept with pretty, intelligent, gifted girls. All these times Bones had said nothing. But had dreadfully suffered inside. These girls were after all so much more interesting, much more fantastic, more attractive, more… _fascinating_ than him, a plain country doctor. He wiped his emerging tears with his wrist. “I… I can’t help thinking you… you’d be better off with… her or… any beautiful, gifted, strong woman,... who’s able to keep her senses clear… who doesn’ let her trifle, little petty personal vexations get the better of her,... ruin her job n’ skills, skills that could have helped and saved thousands of people…” 

“Bones…” Jim softly pleaded.

“Someone who doesn’t turn into a sorry, useless, pathetic drunk wreck at the slightest woe!” 

“Bones, you were kidnapped and tortured by a madman!” Jim protested. “You saw the woman you loved die before your eyes!”

“I’m a _doctor_ !” Bones cried out. “I’ve seen way worse than that! And ye won’ convince me Misses Berhane and Ciana didn’t have their own lot of stressful, traumatic events, being a doctor and a soldier! Yet _they_ don’t...ugh!”

“You didn’t stay in the Academy as long as _they_ did, Bones.” Jim tried to lift up his friend’s spirits, even just a little. “They were better trained in dealing with horrible events, that’s all.” He kindly explained.

“Well, tha’ll teach me to drop out school.” The doctor attempted to joke. “All the more reason to leave me for serious, capable women, Jim.”

“It’s my own choice to decide who I want to be with, Bones.” Jim sat on the bed, next to his friend. “And right now, I want to be with you.” He gently kissed the doctor’s temple. “And I’ll say it every time you forget I do things because I _want_ to.” 

“As _I’ll_ say you’re stupid every time ya act so. N’ right now, you _are_ being stupid, Jim!” Bones growled, warm tears rolling on his cheeks.

“Yes, Bones.” Jim concurred in a murmur. “I am stupid. Most stupid admiral, most stupid man you’ve ever met.” He hugged the weeping doctor against his heart, before softly kissing his gray hair. “Stupid for assuming you didn’t have problems. Stupid for not getting to know you more. Stupid for not even noticing you had drinking problems. Stupid for marrying women I barely know. Stupid for having accepted that blasted admiral position!” He creaked near the doctor’s ear, breathing the freshly washed, citrus-scented hair.

“I’m sorry, Jim.” Bones whimpered. “Sorry,... ‘m such a drama queen…”

“No, you’re not, Bones. You’re not.” Jim kindly murmured, kissing once more the gray hair. “Come on. Let’s eat a little, alright?” He gently stroked the hair.

“Yeah…” The doctor faintly nodded. “Let’s do that.” He wiped off his tears and let the admiral take his hand and slowly lift him up the bed, like a graceful maid led by her charming prince. He couldn’t help smiling at that. “ ’m still not a cripple, Jim.” He fakely grouched. 

“I know. You have depression, not paralysis.” Jim playfully replied, still gripping on his friend’s hand. He gently pushed his other hand in the hollow of Bones’ back.

“What’s that? Wan’ a waltz before breakfast, admiral?” Bones arched an eyebrow. He looked like he wanted more than just a dance.

The admiral softly, longingly kissed his soft lips.

“I wish, Bones. But let’s gather some carbs first.” He suggested.

“Wonderful idea.” Bones agreed and followed the admiral to the kitchen.

Standing before the set table, the doctor softly gasped and covered his mouth, attempting to repress an upcoming, emotional tears flow.

“Jim, I…” He creaked. He felt so down in the gutter the sole sight of a wonderfully set table just for him was upsetting.

“Hey now…” Jim gently grabbed his shoulders. “Wait to take a bite before weeping.” He joked before softly kissing Bones’ temple. 

“Sorry Jim, it’s just- just…” The doctor wiped his gleaming eyes.

“Don’t apologize.” The admiral kindly murmured. “You must be one of the rare people in the universe who’ve never done anything wrong in their life.” He warmly, sincerely smiled.

“Please, Jim…” Bones faintly shook his head but smiled either way. “Angels don’ exist.”

“Still I have one right before my eyes.” Jim implied.

“Shut up, let’s eat.”

That reply made the admiral’s eyes twinkle with fondness and smile beam brighter. 

They sat down.

“Be my guest, Bones. For once, _you_ get to eat before me.” Jim invited.

The doctor started with the fresh apple juice waiting for him in a glass. He softly groaned in pleasure. He didn’t realize he needed a fresh fruit juice _that_ vitally. Then, because it looked already started, he took a slice of the peach cake.

“You made this yourself, Jim?” He gazed at it with amazement.

“Yes.” The admiral smoothly answered. “Are you afraid to eat it?” He tried to sound relaxed while he feared Bones might get an allergy attack.

The doctor took a bite. Then froze.

Shit. So he _was_ allergic to nuts! Jim dreaded. He had to call Nesanet back immediately!

Then a whimper. A tiny, soft whimper piercing the silence of the admiral’s house. It prevented Jim from any movement.

As Bones was softly munching on his piece of peach cake, thick, round, gleaming teardrops heavily rolled down his sunken cheeks; and dripped on the table napkin. He stuffed his mouth with cake as much due to dire hunger as to smother his faint hiccups and whimpers and to push down the thick, painful lump which was blocking his throat. He tried to sniffle in vainly. A thin trail of snot leaked over his mouth. He kept on munching and taking deep, uneven breaths. As if everything was normal.

No apparent sign of allergy. And Bones kept on taking more cake, Jim noticed. He just… _adored_ it and was profoundly moved Jim had made it just for him. Jim took his hand. He didn’t dare to utter any word or to make brusque movements. He just took his friend’s hand. Made him understand the admiral truly cared for him, boundlessly loved him and was here for him. The doctor squeezed his hand back. Hard. He almost crushed the admiral’s hand but right now Jim didn’t care at all about it. The doctor swallowed the remnants of peach then abruptly stood up; almost bumping against the table rim. Jim quickly did the same; for he feared Bones might break down, maybe literally.

“Jim, I… I…” Bones stammered in the middle of an imminent sobbing burst. His beautiful blue eyes glittered like stainless sapphires and his voice sounded like strangled.

The admiral replied nothing and gently embraced him.

He didn’t have to wait long before his moved friend burst into loud, grateful sobs in his arms. Jim took a deep breath so he wouldn’t cry as well and hugged his precious doctor tight. Tenderly cradled him. Nuzzled the soft gray hair.

“Jim...” Bones wailed. “Ya blasted… adorable…!” He croaked. 

“I know. I know, Bones.” The admiral softly whispered. He didn’t know what he knew exactly, he just wanted his friend to avoid talking and tiring himself too much. His hand started to slowly soothe the trembling back of his sweet Bones. God, his body felt so frail and weak... Jim kindly kissed the wet cheek.

“Ya remember… my fav fruits!” The doctor wailed against the admiral’s shoulder.

“I remembered you’re as soft and sweet as a peach.” Jim corrected in a fond smile.

“Shut up! Shut up!!” Bones shrieked out, slapping his friend’s chest harshly; his tone meaning the exact opposite.

“I can’t help it if I want to be nice with you, Bones. If I want to… repay you just a little for all the countless, wonderful nice things _you_ did to me. If I…” He almost didn’t dare. “If I love you.”

The doctor wetly snorted. Like he still wouldn’t believe that fact.

“Shouldn’ have taken care of yer bubble butt all this time, then?” He deducted, looking at Jim’s warm eyes.

“Too late, peach.” Jim closed his eyes and longingly, tenderly kissed the doctor as a reply. His friend actually tasted like peach. With a touch of apple.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim and Bones are being domestic again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Looking through your eyes" is a song from animated movie "Quest for Camelot" and is sung by LeAnn Rimes: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3CgMN_u1sag
> 
> As for the Chopin's tune, Lonely Cryptid Media gave me the idea in their beautiful, adorable visual novel game "Triumvidate" where we play Dr McCoy and we have to chose between dating Spock or Jim. Or both! ^^  
> You can dowload it for free on itchio: https://lonelycryptidmedia.itch.io/triumvidate

Almost as a reflex, Jim gently took the doctor’s hand while placing his free one behind Bones’ back. The doctor’s beautiful eyes lightened.

“Here ye go again, Jim…” He murmured, without a trace of complaint in his creaking voice.

“Computer.” The admiral softly ordered without ever breaking his stare into the mesmerizing blue eyes. “Play Chopin track, OP 34. Number 2, A minor.”

A dim, soft, rather melancholic piano tune started to play in the room. 

“I didn’ know you as the classics lover, Jim.” Bones faintly smiled.

“Will you grant me a dance, Bones?” Jim whispered.

“I don’ seem to have much choice here.” Bones’ smile looked more honest.

Jim broadly smiled and started to lead. The doctor gladly let him do. The music was a soft, chamber piano tune. Sounded sad, melancholic, even a bit depressing. But Bones thought it was beautiful nonetheless. It sounded like it was narrating the story of two ill-fated lovers who could never live their love, never live together, never love each other in public. As though all these lovers could ever have was a one sole, passionate, forever carved deep in their hearts night. To Bones, it would be alright, more than enough if he could just share a tender dance like this with Jim, who was a smooth, graceful and gentle dancer. Dancing with the kindest hugger in the universe…

But soon, Jim noticed the grim, somber expression back on his friend’s face. That tune wasn’t a very joyful one after all. Keeping his gentle grip on Bones’ hand and back he ordered:

“Computer. Please play LeAnn Rimes, track number one.”

Bones faintly squinted his eyes as his ears enjoyed the soft guitar music. He didn’t know that artist. What-?  
  


_ Look at the sky _

_ Tell me what do you see  
  
_

Jim stared at him with the warmest, most loving gaze the doctor has ever seen. Did that idiot take his blue eyes for the actual sky? He wondered in a weak smile.  
  


_ Just close your eyes _

_ And describe it to me  
  
_

The doctor obeyed the song and closed his eyes.  
  


_ The heavens are sparkling _

_ With starlight tonight  
  
_

It was almost midday but whatever. There was starlight enough in his and Jim’s eyes and hearts to fill thousands of heavens.  
  


_ That's what I see _

_ Through your eyes  
  
_

Both slowly reopened their eyes. Just to gaze at each other’s. They couldn’t help chuckling and giggling like embarrassed but happy schoolboys.

_ I see the heavens _

_ Each time that you smile _

That was so,  _ so  _ true. Both thought with conviction.  


_ I hear your heartbeat _

_ Just go on for miles _

  
Yes. Their hearts were presently racing and stomping like mad horses.

_ And suddenly I know _

_ My life is worthwhile  
  
_

Their smiles faded. As if they suddenly realized how true these lyrics sounded right now.

_ That's what I see _

_ Through your eyes  
  
_

_ Here in the night _

_ I see the sun _

Yes. Jim was Bones’ glowing sun in his dark life.   
Bones was Jim’s luminous, dazzling blue star in his full of people but so lonely life.

_ Here in the dark _

_ Our two hearts are one  
  
_

Their smiles were back on their faces. Broader and warmer than before. These lyrics were so true too.  
  


_ It's out of our hands _

_ We can't stop what we have begun _

Their grip on each other’s hand tightened.

_ And love just took me by surprise _

_ Looking through your eyes. _

After five years of pining, love shouldn’t be such a surprise anymore. Yet it  _ was _ . A beautiful, wonderful surprise. They kept staring longingly at each other.

After their calm, yet so emotional dance, they stopped. Still intensely staring into each other’s gleaming, loving, but indecisive eyes. What should they do next? 

Soon their hands slowly, regretfully parted. They had to eat first. And Bones had to wipe his face again.

* * *

10 pm.

They had spent the day strolling in Jim’s garden, which was empty, except for grass, but gave view to the magnificent ocean and the impressive Gate bridge. Yet Jim couldn’t have cared less about the ocean or bridge. He’d been too busy gazing at Bones’ cute face and eyes which looked way more breathtaking than any sea or human construction. Jim hadn’t been able to keep from smiling all the time, especially when Bones accepted his arm he had offered like a gentleman offers his arm to a lady to give her support to walk. Jim had broadly grinned when Bones even had dared to rest his head against the admiral’s shoulder.  
  
They had spent the day almost in complete silence, save for a few words from Jim when he offered the voiceless doctor a little visit to his recent home, giving information about the history of the place, of the decorations by the fireplace and in the lounge room, like a beginning tourist guide. Bones had commented, reviewed nothing, which wasn’t like him at all, he had contented himself with slight, swift smirks. As if he only half-believed he was here, in the admiral’s house, as a guest. Well, more than a guest.    
They also had killed some time doing a few chores like vacuuming for Jim and the dishes for Bones. Jim more than happily came to help the doctor right after his work.The more Jim thought about it, the more it appeared obvious to him he and Bones were acting like the most cliché, most domestic perfect little couple like those he’d seen in old vintage advertisements. Although the idea made him unprecedentedly happy, he also knew it could never happen. For his place was out there, in outer space, dangerous, exciting space in a starship. And Bones didn’t want to live any of that anymore. Bones had never even wanted to work in outer space to begin with. Maybe… surely today, this very day would be all they could have together. The last time of their lives they’d spend together. 


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim and Bones do it again.

He couldn't…  _ They  _ couldn’t resist any longer.

They jumped on each other. Quickly stripped themselves naked. Both kissing each other fervently. Bones cupping Jim’s face and Jim gripping on Bones’ nape. Soon the doctor was dropped on the bed. Jim climbed up, and topped him.

“I’m sorry I only have…  _ this  _ to please you.” The doctor pitifully gestured at his naked body. 

“ _ This _ ?” Jim squinted in offence. “This body is... beautiful, Bones.” The hazel eyes glittered with awe.

Jim firmly cupped the doctor’s face. His hands then gently slid down his neck and nervous throat, turning on a soft groan, to his collar and hairy chest, switching on content sighs, his soft belly, his thighs… The admiral’s hands slightly slid up. The doctor faintly gasped.

“May I, Bones?” Jim tenderly whispered.

His friend hesitantly looked at him, then breathed “Yes.”

Jim started to feverishly touch the doctor’s package with one hesitant hand. Bones nervously bit his lip and looked away. Then Jim slowly, affectionately caressed the intimate jewels with both more assertive hands. Almost not believing it himself. Though they had rubbed against each other earlier in the morning. Then he heard a soft whimper. His friend was faintly squirming against the bed sheets.

“Are you ok, Bones?” The admiral asked in worry.

His friend slowly sighed. Then faintly nodded.

“Yes, Jim. I’m alright. Go…” His voice turned weaker, shameful. “Go on please.”

Jim smiled and obeyed.

Bones softly groaned in pleasure.

Soon, the magic of the admiral’s skilled hands happened.

“Jim… Jim, I’ll come.” Bones desperately moaned.

But the blissful outburst did not come. Instead he felt the wonderful hands slip off of his rod and heard a vicious chuckle.

“Ugh! You fucker! You absolute, blasted motherfuck-!” He dryly raged out.

“A-ah. Language, my dear doctor.” Jim fakely admonished.

The doctor’s stiff shaft shivered, quivered with impatience.

“Fuck you!” He exploded in response.

“I’m not going to carry on if I get that kind of words in return.” The admiral taunted.

“Oh yeah?” Bones growled. “Well if you ain’t gonna do it…”

Suddenly, he grabbed Jim’s shoulders and threw him down the mattress, switching their places.

“Then  _ I’m  _ gonna do it!” He proclaimed.

“Bones, what are you doi-? No. No, you wouldn’t dare!” Jim dreadfully realized. 

“Try me, admiral. In every sense o’ the word, in fact.”

“No. No, Bones!” Jim pleaded. “I don’t- Don’t do it!” He begged.

But the doctor wouldn’t listen. He already was gripping on the admiral’s staff, about to place it between his buttocks. He faintly rubbed it against his intimate entrance before he slowly, gently pushed it inside. He muffled a moan, biting his lip, frowning and shutting his eyes.

“You don’t have to do it, Bones!” Jim assured.

“Maybe I do it because I  _ wanna  _ do it!” Bones threw the admiral’s words back into his dumbfounded face. Then he smiled. The kind of victorious smirk only deceitful liars and tricksters had. 

Somehow it turned Jim on. He sat up and embraced the doctor’s waist tightly; almost crushing Bones’ standing rod against his stomach. He dared a faint thrust. Bones threw his head back for an instant, muffling a stronger moan. 

“You really have never done it, have you?” Jim asked in worry and a bit of guilt.

“There are first times for everythin’, ain’t they?” Bones replied in a raspy voice. “Admiralty, sex, and…” He bent over and placed his hands on Jim’s shoulders. “And doin’ it with someone ye never truly stopped to love for over twenty blasted years.” His sight started to blur.

Jim couldn’t help hugging him tighter and kissing him unreservedly as a response. His heart heated up and pounded faster as Bones’ lips gladly welcomed his own. As he was fondly kissing him, Jim began to slowly penetrate him in gentle thrusts. The doctor softly groaned against his lips.

Dominating the admiral, Bones stared into his eyes with a proud smile. Smile which quickly faded at the realization that Jim, James T Kirk, his lifelong friend, his best friend he’d been in love with for twenty years actually was pounding him, was making passionate, tender, unrestricted love to him. Something Bones had never dared to dream of, to hope for. Something impossible to ever happen. The admiral seemed to have read his thoughts for he was lovingly gazing and smiling at him. These eyes full of blazing stars, this wonderful, meaningful smile made his medical heart melt.

_ Jim…  _

Then a cruel thought crept in. What if Jim… was doing this out of pity? Only to make Bones feel better? No. The doctor wouldn’t let these pesky ideas ruin the moment. Not tonight. Tonight, he’d just do what he and Jim wanted to. His joyful grin was back. Along with an uncontrollable waterfall of blissful tears. He whimpered and covered his mouth with a hand.

It was the admiral’s turn to have his grin swept off his face.

“Bones, what is it?” He kindly enquired, gently putting aside the doctor’s hand.

“Jim, I…” Bones confusedly shook his head. “I… is just… I-I never…” He poorly stuttered trying to figure out the right words and failing to. Unable to stop the tears and lump in his throat, he bit his lower lip. And sniffled.

“I know, Bones.” Jim softly whispered. “And I’m sorry you had to believe it could never happen. But look, it  _ is  _ happening.” He paused his movements. “And I’ve never felt that happy in a long time.” He wiped a few medical tears and stroked back a lock of gray hair. 

As a response, he got a doctor swiftly, fiercely kissing him on his not so startled mouth. Bones was clutching on his skull as if the doctor’s arms were a powerful vise. Jim had forgotten despite their thinness, these arms were pretty muscled and strong. They soon released him. The thrusts returned, harder and faster. Now Bones’ hands were fervently cupping his cheeks as the salt-tasting mouth was worshipping the admiral’s. And vice-versa. The admiral became fiercer, wilder. 

“Don’t you dare think about Spock this time.” Jim teased in a low breath.

“Don’t  _ you  _ dare makin’ me think about Spock, sweetheart.” Bones grinned in a brief but so heartwarming chuckle.

Ardently, tirelessly pounding the doctor he was hugging tightly against his sweaty chest, Jim oathed:

“I’m going… I’m going to love you all night long, Bones!” He desperately swore in a breathless voice.

“Only… only tonight, Jim?” The doctor jokingly enquired with the same exhausted yet not tired voice.

“If you want it every night,... then we’ll  _ do _ it every night, Bones!” The admiral sincerely asserted. “I’ll make you come all night long! All day long! All the time! Eternally!” 

“Shut up. Shut up, Jim!” The doctor commanded before he cupped Jim’s face and sharply, voraciously kissed him. “Not a... slutty nympho like you, Jim.” Breathless Bones taunted in a wry smile.

“Nobody’s perfect, Bones!” Jim delivered a sharp, fierce thrust.

The spoiled doctor loudly moaned. Something Jim never had thought he’d hear someday. Even in bed.

“Are ya…” Bones huffed in a laboring breath, tears streaming on his face. “Are ya talkin’ bout you or me?” He arched an eyebrow.

“Gimme your best shot!” Jim pounded harder.

“Oh f-!” Bones almost cursed. “Ya fuckin’ dirty pig!” He swore aloud, more tears squirting out.

“Not a valid answer so I’ll… I’ll shut that mouth of yours!” Jim decided in a short breath before smashing his lips over the doctor’s.

The period between each thrust grew shorter and shorter. As the pounding turned brutal. Until the admiral finally decided to give the final blow. 

The doctor swiftly shook his head, crushed the admiral’s skull between his tense arms and freely moaned and growled and cried.

“Oh fuck, Jim! Fuck!...” He wailed in his ear with a voice full of tears, relief and gratefulness.

Though he could barely see in the shadowed bedroom, Jim could feel the body of his friend twitching and jolting in his loving arms. And soon felt a warm, viscous fluid fill the paper-thin space between their bodies and burn his skin. One last blow and he released it as well. Inside him. Inside his beloved Bones. He silently whimpered. He kissed the doctor’s shivering throat.

“You  _ are  _ perfect, Bones.” He tenderly whispered in the doctor’s blissful ear. He couldn’t help weeping as well. For he knew deep in his heart how much that statement was true. And how late he realized it.

Despite the dire physical exhaustion, Bones couldn’t stop crying. Something warm had spurted inside. It burnt and hurt like hell but he wasn’t sure he was crying out of pain. He was feeling too blessed, too blissful for that. Jim had… came inside of him. Jim had made him come. Both willingly! Not caring one bit about the hot, sticky liquid in his innards and on his stomach, he threw himself at Jim’s neck. And burst into hot, blissful tears.

“I’m happy... I’m so happy, Jim!” He sobbed out, hugging his friend tight.

“I’m happy too Bones.” Jim huffed out, breathless. He hugged the weeping doctor back and kissed his neck. “I’m happy to be with you.”

“Make it last, Jim.” Bones implored with all of humanity’s despair in his tearful voice. “Please make it last!” He begged. A tiny gasp troubled his breathing. “I don’t want it to stop.” He croaked, tightly hugging the admiral.

That inhumanely blissful yet so miserable voice shattered Jim’s heart in pieces. He bit his lip and frowned for a moment.

_ I  _ want  _ it to last too! _

“ _ You _ make it last, Bones.” He kindly suggested, longingly gazing at the washed out oceanic eyes. At the absence of a reply, he cupped and tenderly caressed the wet, soaked cheek and kissed again the wet, throbbing throat. He smiled. He thought Bones’ sobs would finally calm down but they surged up again, stronger and more blissful - or more desperate- than before. 

Bones hugged Jim back to screech, sob his bliss, his overwhelming joy and love out. 

He shouldn’t be. He definitely shouldn’t be sobbing out of pure, unprecedented euphoria like that.   
Especially after losing Dwen and Spock.

But how could he be  _ not _ ? Jim, his sunny Jim, just had loved and cherished him in a way Bones had never expected though had often dreamt of. He’d always believed Jim would keep banging only women, a few men, aliens, and Spock of course but…  _ him _ ? The plain, bland, grumpy, foul-mood, divorced, alcoholic loser? Even now, even  _ now  _ Bones had trouble believing Jim was in actual, true love with him like  _ he  _ had been in love with Jim for years. He was so busy sobbing and clutching around Jim’s neck he didn’t notice he was making them both drop back flat on the bed. It was so fast and swift the admiral’s shaft sharply pulled itself out. The doctor winced in pain. A thick, warm fluid soon coated his intimate rift and jewels. Though the sensations on their own didn’t feel pleasant, they were the ultimate proof Jim just had made love to him. Willingly. Passionately. His pounding like a drum heart skipped a beat.

Jim experienced a splinter of dread when he felt his manhood popping out against his will. He was scared he’d just hurt Bones. The doctor even had stopped crying all at once.

“Bones?” Jim worried in a breathless voice, embracing his friend tight.

“ ‘m alright, Jim.” Bones whispered in a surprisingly serene -smiling?- voice into the admiral’s ear.

Jim let out a sigh of relief. And stroked his friend’s back. And shyly smiled. Though Bones couldn’t see his face.

In the blank, peaceful nightly silence of the house, he carried on gently, serenely caressing Bones’ skin. His hand could gladly feel the slow, calm breathing which was cruelly failing the doctor a few instants earlier. Neither of them dared to move or speak. They felt good like this. Like in Heaven. Even though they were both out of breath and their skin was gleaming and sticky with sweat and other kinds of whiter fluids. Bones’ chest felt damp and rough against Jim’s hairless, smooth one but the admiral didn’t care. He liked the doctor’s body that way. With the hair. On his head. On his chest. On his arms. Everywhere. 

_ “Sehlat?” _

_ “It’s sort of a fat teddy bear.” _

_ “A teddy bear??” _

Jim couldn’t help grinning at the memory. Bones’ face had illuminated and brightened the room like a born, shiny star. His soul-piercing blue eyes and heartwarming smile really were the most wonderous when the doctor genuinely was happy. Jim stifled a giggle when he also recalled it was information about Spock that had set on this beatific expression. Yes. Bones was a teddy bear. A hairy, adorable teddy bear. Jim hugged him, squeezed him tighter. 

_ Oh how I wish I could marry  _ you  _ someday, Bones.  _ He hoped.

Lori and Spock were almost forgotten. He could picture only Bones to tie the knot with him. He gently kissed his temple. The doctor rolled aside. Right next to Jim. He silently stared at his friend with ethereal, starry blue eyes. The ex-captain recalled blue stars were the most luminous stars in the universe. No wonder why Bones’ eyes were so bright and blinding.

“Well look at us.” The doctor grumbled. “We’re good for another shower now.” His miniature blue stars glimmered.

“Maybe tomorrow.” Jim tenderly murmured. And kissed his friend’s forehead. “Sleep well, Bones.” He sincerely wished. Then hesitated to add something very important. “I love you.” He softly concluded.

Was it the moonlight that did it or were Bones’ eyes smiling and glittering on their own? Jim wondered. His friend’s response set his heart on fire.

“I know.” Bones breathed.

Jim grinned with joy. At last, at  _ last  _ Bones believed it! He gently hugged him against his blissful heart. Then gazed into these outstanding, beautiful, bewitching blue dwarf stars. Stars that were soon hidden by the soft, tired flutter of the doctor’s eyelids. Bones soon blacked out from the euphoria. Jim smiled fondly and tenderly stroked the damp gray hair.

“Have good dreams, love.” He whispered before gently grasping the doctor’s hand and kissing it.

They fell asleep like this, snuggled together, basking into each other’s warmth. Jim realized… 

Neither did  _ he  _ want it to stop.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bones leaves.

Bones woke up. It was a young dawn.

He did a good stretch. Then noticed the cute curly-haired puppy admiral serenely sleeping next to him. The smitten doctor smiled with fondness. He was about to pet the puppy’s hair when a sharp bolt of horror struck him. He faintly gasped and took his hand back. 

No… Had they… _really_ done it?

He and Jim had…

He peered underneath the bed sheets. Saw with dread the sticky white substance on his belly, and probably somewhere else too.

Shit, _shit_!

He’d come to pathetically beg for his friend’s warmth and there was the repulsive result!

Bones ran a hand in his scruffy hair and bitterly grunted.

“Fuck… Fuck!” He spat.

He had led Jim to… to…

_“No, Bones! Don’t do it!”_

Not just “ _led_ ” him. The doctor had literally _raped_ Jim! Just like these couples of greedy, dominative alien girls they’d met on their five-years mission!

“What a prick.” Bones grumbled at himself.

He hastily got up, messily wiped himself, put up the clothes Jim had given to him, despite the deep feeling of wrongness, and rushed to the entrance room. His hand pushing down the handle, Bones noticed a voice recorder on the table right next to the door. What was the most wrong? Letting a message to Jim after having violated him or running away without a notice? Bones nervously gulped and pushed on the rec button.

* * *

The dawn’s rays came to tickle the admiral’s eyelids. He slowly emerged. Blinked. Glanced at the place next to him. Empty. But… wasn’t Bones-?

“Bones?” He called from his bed.

No answer.

Jim threw his sheets away and got dressed. He knocked at the bathroom door.

“Bones, are you in here?” He tried. 

No response. 

He opened the door. 

No one.

He walked to the lounge. Then the kitchen.

“Bones?”

No one there either.

Where in the blazes was he? Jim searched outdoors. Made a circle around his house. Still no one. Jim closed the door and leant on it. He started to feel a devastating sense of despair. Had the doctor been kidnapped again? But Jim’s house had the latest security system which even prevented beams-out. But again aliens functioned differently from humans, didn’t they? Or maybe… No. Had… Bones run away like a convict? Without saying goodbye? But why? Especially after such a passionate, wonderful night like Jim hadn’t experienced in ages? Did… Bones regret it? Then Jim’s eyes noticed a flickering blue light from his recorder. Blue, like the doctor’s beautiful eyes… Did Bones-? The admiral almost ponced on the box and feverishly, softly pushed on the button.

“Jim…” Bones cleared his throat. “Jim, I… I know this won’t make up for what I’ve done to you but… but…” He gulped again, trying to swallow the tears. Jim dreaded what would come up next. “I’m sorry. I’m so terribly, profoundly sorry!” Bones’ voice deplored. 

_Why? What are you feeling so sorry for, Bones?_ Jim craved to demand, tears already dwelling in the corner of his eyes.. 

“No one who considers oneself your friend would do what I’ve done to you! I’m sorry, Jim…” The doctor’s voice threatened to sob. So did Jim’s eyes. “I… Nothing can ever pay back what you’ve kindly given to me, Jim. Absolutely nothing. You…” Bones muffled a whine. “I can never… thank you enough, give you back enough… You’re wonderful, Jim. A wonderful friend, a wonderful captain, a wonderful admiral… What am I compared to you?” He miserably chuckled. 

_An outstanding, dedicated doctor, an adorable, wonderful friend,... a perfect potential husband. If you only knew, only_ realized _what you are to me, Bones._

“I swear I’ll… I’ll give you back your clothes someday. I promise. Maybe I can cook up somethin’ for you someday too.” Bones softly yet joylessly laughed. “You’re a wonderful cook too, ya know that? I’m sure you… you’ll be a wonderful husband too…”

 _Then come back and we’ll marry immediately! In Starfleet Headquarters! Right under the nose of Nogura!_ But Jim painfully knew Bones was talking about Lori, not himself.

“I…” Bones’ voice hesitated. “I can’t be your spouse by the way. It just… _can’t_ be me.” 

Jim’s hopes crashed down.

“Not after I’ve- you know… Again, I’m sorry Jim.”

 _Sorry for_ what _, for Heaven sake, sorry for_ what _??_ Jim almost screamt into the recorder.

“Also I can’t say yes to such a meaningful offer… while I still struggle with depression and my lifelong fancy for the shine… can I?...”

Although it broke his heart, Jim had to admit the doctor was right here. Did weddings based on a drunk or desperate agreement last long? No, obviously not.

“You know what?” Bones added. “I think there _is_ something I can do for you.”

The admiral’s heart skipped a beat.

“I think I’ll go visit your doctor Berhane. On a regular, maybe daily basis.”

Not what Jim had hoped for but at least his friend would at last take a minimum care of himself. And that was quite a relief.

“Maybe _she_ can pull something outta me.” Bones’ voice sounded like pleasantly smiling. “And that way… I can think about you every time I’ll see her.”

Jim’s moved cheeks slightly blushed.

“Maybe she’ll teach me some naughty secrets about you.” Bones cheerlessly joked. “I hope… I hope we’ll meet again Jim.” 

He “ _hoped_ ”... Meant Bones didn’t intend to see Jim ever again, unless by pure chance. The admiral’s heart sank.

“I… I love you. Dammit…” The doctor’s voice sounded like creaking again. “I love you Jim.” He whimpered. “I love you. I love you. I love you!” The voice wailed before the recording stopped.

Feeling the tears silently running down his face, Jim covered his mouth to muffle them and let his body slowly slide down until sitting on the floor.

 _What do you think happened last night so you won’t see me again, Bones? What are you feeling so sorry for? We didn’t do anything wrong._ You _didn’t do anything wrong!..._

Jim searched for and grabbed his phone. Tapped Bones’ number. Of course the doctor didn’t answer. Jim sighed. The high-pitched ring indicated his turn to talk and record his voice.

“Bones…” He started. “I…” His voice trembled. “I don’t regret what happened last night, Bones.” It assertively creaked. “Absolutely _nothing_ !” He emphasized. Bit his lip. “I loved what happened! I _loved_ it!” He vehemently insisted in a tearful voice. “I… I’m not asking you to come back, or even call me back, Bones. I-I just wanted… I _love_ you, Bones. Know that I blazingly _love_ you!” He exclaimed before pressing the end call button. He wiped off his eyes and took a deep breath.

 _Calm down, Jim. What only matters is that Bones will take care of himself now,_ that’s _the most important! Also you’ve work today. Work with Riley… With Lori._

The admiral feared the moment he’d see Lori this morning. He’d have to do his best to look a little sick and more importantly not to blush in shame of having cheated on her twice with no regret at all yesterday. But she was a really clever woman. Would she suspect something? Well, at least that’d constitute a good reason for her to annul their wedding. Next to other reasons like having total opposite views about a troubleshooting occupation, like not seeking to understand her fiancé’s disenchantments about his recent position, like almost seeing him as a tool for her own working ambitions…

 _No, Jim. Don’t be so rash towards her. You’d have done the same in her shoes. Maybe. You’re just looking for excuses to break up with her easily. What are you going to tell her? Hey Lori, guess what? I no longer want to marry you because I’m in love and had ardent sex with a friend I had a crush on for twenty years? What do you want? Ruin her,_ your _mutual serious, fragile job by vexing her? No. Keep it all to yourself. You, or she, will end up finding out a reason to break up._

Thinking about Lori, Jim remembered her words about his relationship with Bones:

 _“You were close”_. 

Yes, they _had_ been close. Not just in a friendly way. Jim warmly smiled. He and Bones had been close, the closest they could ever have gotten. He fondly remembered the body his arms had embraced and hugged last night. The body he’d hugged the whole day before. Remembered the doctor’s lips. Jim only hoped that someday he would stop thinking about that closeness only in the past.

If they _had_ been close, they could be close later. Maybe closer than ever before.

Someday.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After two years, and a fierce battle against the Tholians, Bones finally decides to meet with Jim.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After reading "Recovery" from my one and only shipping goddess Jeanne Dillard which screams its paper lungs "MCSPIRK RIGHTS!" (really the only thing more obvious than that is your nose in the middle of your face), I've written two more chapters than initially planned. ^^

> [The door slid open, revealing a lean figure, his face hidden by the shadow. [...] Something dark and gleaming in his hand. [...]
> 
> “That better be Saurian brandy.” Kirk said with a grin.
> 
> “Damn straight.” McCoy said, stepping into the light.]

**Star Trek _"Recovery"_ , J.M. Dillard, 1995.**

Only now, Jim fully realized he had kept thinking, strongly, obsessively thinking about Bones during the whole Recovery incident. During the whole incident, he had wanted, craved, yearned to talk to, touch, hug, kiss his friend he had stopped to see since… since their night. Two years ago. His tired but so happy eyes watered. He repressed a burst of tears. Joyful tears.   
At last, after hours of craving Bones’ physical presence beside him, not just a one-way video transmission of him light-years away with not even the possibility for Bones to hear or see Jim, at **_last_ **he could express his profound relief to see him alive and well, express his restrainless joy to finally see him again after such an agonizingly long time without any news from him, after dreading for a time both were going to die horribly without even getting to say goodbye, at last he could express the boundless love he’s been holding for him!  
Now, no viewscreen, no revengeful Tholian, no crew to take care of prevented him to rush at Bones, hug him the tightest his aching arms could and release all his emotions, all his ardent, burning love for the doctor of his heart! Not only that, he felt bold enough, jovial enough to lift up Bones and softly make him twirl in the air before halting the dance and hugging him back.

“Bones…” He softly muffled against the doctor’s neck, squeezing his eyes shut in hope to contain the flood of his itching eyes. “Bones…” He faintly whispered, tightening his embrace, tears slowly leaking off the corner of his eyes. 

The now bearded doctor soon responded to the admiral’s honest hug, though his own hug wasn’t as fierce as Jim’s. His eyesight was blurred. Truth be told, he didn’t expect Jim to be _that_ happy to see him again. He thought… he thought Jim wouldn’t see him ever again. Not necessarily hated him, just… didn’t want to deal with him again. Despite his short… stay at the admiral’s home two years ago.   
Despite his former and oh so wise mentor -Bones suspected she had unveiled everything about his relation with Jim the instant she had looked at him-, Angie’s urges to rush to Jim now the damn, cursed battle was over. That was what Bones had been craving to do the instant his eyes had laid on Jim’s image on the Recovery’s viewscreen. But… like a damn idiot he’d been scared to meet with Jim again! His unsure arms felt his friend’s soft body trembling. Quivering. As if Jim could physically explode anytime. He dared to gently press his cheek against Jim’s neck.

Jim whimpered and hugged him tighter.

“I thought-!” He started with a squeaky, tearful voice. “I thought you’d be _killed_ , Bones!” He groaned. “I thought... they were going to kill you… and that I could do nothing but watch!” He screeched. “After two years of…! Of nothing!”

“Don’t underestimate the best retired doctor, Jim.” Bones calmly soothed him, moved to the core that Jim still cared so much about him. Him who had left him all alone without any notice, any message. For two years. A thick tear dripped on the admiral’s shoulder.

“I was so happy… So _happy_ to see you, Bones!” Jim exclaimed in the same weeping voice. “Why didn’t you tell me you were on the Recovery?” He begged. “Why? My God… we could’ve… _killed_ each other, or both die on the same ship and never _know_ it! I could have… I could have lost _you_ forever too!” He burst into tears.

“Sorry Jim.” Bones whined. “I’m sorry…” 

“No, no. Don’t be sorry, Bones.” Jim shook his head. “You _saved_ me. You saved this ship and her crew! You save the universe, so don’t you be _sorry_ for this, Bones!” He ordered. “Don’t you be sorry… for being here.” He wept. _“I_ am not sorry for it at all!” He screamed out.

The doctor feared he was about to explode too.

“I am _grateful_ for it!” Jim cried out.

It was the doctor’s turn to burst into tears on his friend’s shoulder.

“Oh Bones…” Jim tenderly whispered, cuddling his friend. “I was so happy when I saw you… when I saw you on the viewscreen. I almost didn’t believe it.” He chuckled through euphoric tears. “It was too good, too wonderful to be true. But then, I know no one with the same breathtaking, beautiful sky-blue eyes as yours,... my lovely plum. My lovely peach.”

That did it. That shot the final bullet of pure bliss into the doctor’s mellow heart. How? _How_ in the world could Bones have feared that Jim learns about his presence on the Recovery? How in the world could he have believed Jim didn’t want to see him? The doctor wondered as he was soaking Jim’s uniform with tears.

“Please don’t leave again, Bones!” Jim implored him. “Stay.” 

“Jim… I can’t.” The doctor apologized.

“Why?” Jim demanded, aghast.

“Jim… I _saw_ how happy and cheerful you were givin’ orders around on the bridge. You _love_ deep-space jobs, you _love_ to live in space, you _love_ the danger and to boldly go where no one has gone before. _I_ had my load of danger and risk and anguish with the Recovery and with…” Bones swallowed hard. “Dwen.” He creaked. “I’m done with Starfleet and the Federation’s shenans. I don’ want to deal with any of ‘em again. Please understand.” 

The admiral shortly begged him with his usual puppy eyes, then faintly stroked his friend’s cheek in a pitiful gesture.

“I understand, Bones.” He breathed in regret.


	23. Chapter 23

So that was it then. He had already lost Spock two years ago. Now he was losing Bones. That is if he hadn’t already lost him too when he’d accepted that damn promotion and treated both Spock and Bones like trash right after. It was all that cursed promotion’s fault. No. It was _Jim’s_ fault. He had stupidly, blindly accepted the deal he had sworn to combat because he had been lured by an ideal, shiny job and, he had to admit it, by the beautiful, ambitious and skilled admiral Ciana.   
Competent in her job, her ambitions,... and in sweet-talking too. That was something she shared with Nogura despite the fact these two historically resented each other. Maybe she could overthrow Mister God someday. Deep down, Jim relished the prospect. That could provide a nice yet slim consolation after losing his two best friends. The most wonderful people he had ever met. 

“If I said yes Jim, we would both regret it.” Bones explained. “Don’t… don’ ask for somethin’... you might regret…”

Jim stared at him with an appalled pair of eyes.

“My biggest, _worst_ regret is to have allowed a goddamn promotion I didn’t even want to split us apart!” Jim shrieked out.

Bones faintly gasped as his eyes glimmered in emotion.

“Oh Jim…” He sighed, stroking the admiral’s cheek. “You’re the sweetest honey… but promotion or not… I’d have quit Starfleet sooner or later. Unlike you. See? Not your fault after all…” He slyly smirked. “Not entirely.”

Bones knew that ‘us’ included Spock. The same Spock the doctor had felt the warm presence of for a brief moment hours earlier. He wondered if Jim had felt the same.

“Besides, took ya long enough to ponder that, admiral.” The doctor put on a bitter yet dazzling smile. “A ship and captaincy is what you loved and needed all along. That’ll teach you to never listen to your doctor.” He sassed.

“It’s what I love, yes, what I do best, yes. But as for what I need… and love _most_ …” Jim gently caught a tear dripping off the sapphire eyes, then tenderly caressed the bearded cheek. He couldn’t help broadly, warmly grinning. Now, Bones looked more like a hairy teddy bear than he did before.

The doctor chuckled with fathomless joy. This damn, adorable twinkle in these warm hazel eyes again!

“Maybe it’s not the right time, or place, to say it…” Bones still recalled the hundreds of wounded he still had to attend to after the battle. Though the united doctors of the Paladin, Cavalry and Zotos Four had all asserted he could rest after all he had just done. “And I probably should’ve said it way before but… you mean the _world_ to me. I… craved to see you since the second I caught you on the viewscreen. I… I love you, Jim.” He nervously gulped. “I still… blastly _love_ you.” His voice trembled with emotion.

As foolish and inappropriate as it’d have sounded, that was what Jim had secretly hoped to hear Bones say during his video transmissions. He hugged back his friend. Warmly. Tenderly.

“Right now I don’t give a damn about what’s right, my blue-eyed angel.” He murmured. “Right now, I only want to be with you. Be here for you. Nothing else.” He slid his fingers into the smooth gray hair. Now the battle was over, he finally could have the luxury to think of his beautiful, fantastic, wonderful, perfect Bones. To have him. To have him squeezed against him.

“Neither…neither do I.” The doctor creakingly admitted.

Jim gently cradled him in his arms.

 _How could I convince myself I could live without you? I’ve felt so happy, so damn resuscitated when I saw you on that screen! And so cursed and helpless when I saw I could do nothing to save you! Or to even just_ be _with you when I thought we were going to-! Why did I have to wait for your life being endangered right before my eyes to finally realize that goddamn admiral promotion was a monstrous mistake??_

“I’ve… never felt more at home… for two years. After quitting you and Spock.” Jim croaked.

“Starship bridges lacked a lot in your life, didn’t they?” Bones noted. Somehow, convincing himself that what made Jim ultimately happy was a bridge and captaincy, and nothing -or no one- else, was a lame excuse not to seek for Jim’s presence even if he yearned for it.

“My true home was Spock and you.” Jim claimed into Bones’ startled then blissful, smiling face. Both closed their eyes and gently pressed their foreheads together.

“As… as you and Spock were mine.” Bones creaked. 

Neither talked for a moment.

“Will… will we ever see him again, Jim?” The doctor asked.

“I don’t know, Bones. I hope so. I desire so.” The admiral sighed.

“Do you… do you think he has thought about us for the past two years? And during that damn incident?”

“If you wonder that, Bones, then I’m sure he has.” Jim smiled, reopened his eyes and gazed into the doctor’s eyes who soon smiled too.

“Are you being kind with me again, Jim? Or do you have some secret to tell me?”

“I hold no more secrets than you do.” Jim teasingly eluded.

Bones snorted. Then looked back at the playful admiral.

“You sure you won’t change your mind, Bones?” Jim kindly asked. “About cutting ties with the Federation?”

_With me?_

“Jim. Do ya want me to end up like you during these past two years? Accepting a position I never wanted just to please a pretty-eyed cutie and then bitterly regret it almost immediately and see I can’t go back to call it off?”

“No. No, of course I don’t want it.” Jim sighed, realizing that forcing Bones to go with him was terribly, horribly selfish. All that Bones needed and deserved most after what he’d lived recently was to be safe and happy. And if this happiness necessarily meant leaving Jim forever, then the admiral would accept it and let the doctor of his heart go. Maybe their love story was never meant to be after all.

“You were… going to bed?” The doctor shyly enquired.

“Wanna join me?” Jim invited.

“A nap wouldn’t be a luxury right now.” Bones admitted.

Jim grinned in satisfaction and went to lie down with the doctor on the fresh, unused bed. 

Embraced by the admiral’s hungry, cuddly arms, the doctor timidly enquired:

“Did you… did you look f’me, Jim?”

Jim gave a long, tired sigh as a reply. 

_Shit, the moment you’re finally reunited, you manage to ruin it all and irritate him. Good job, Bones. It’s a damn good job! Don’t you think that as a last-minute stand-in captain, he had better, more important things to do than to look for you?_

A gentle hand caressed his hair.

“Who has ever told you I didn’t do such a thing, Bones?” Jim sympathetically asked.

 _No one. Absolutely no one._ The doctor mentally answered.

_Yes._

_Me._

I _have._

“But I came at the wrong time.” Jim carried on. “Surgery to save a life seemed a bit more important to me than cuddling with my favorite doctor.”

“You did well. I don’t know if I could have focused on my work had I seen you in the same room as I.” Bones admitted, blushing slightly.

“And what are you focusing on right now?” Jim smoothly blinked.

“To sleep, ya nasty narcissist.” Bones grumbled, closing his eyes. “And I suggest you do the same. Doctor’s orders.”

“And I’ll listen to my doctor today.” Jim assured. “Or I could admire his beautiful beard all night long.” he suggested.

“Whatever ya wish, Jim. As long as you don’t wake me up.”

“Then good night, my lovely doctor.” Jim bid and gently kissed Bones on his forehead.

 _Sleep now, sweet peach._ Jim wished.

_Maybe I can convince you to join me on the next Enterprise voyage later. Maybe. For now, let’s just admire that new cute, hairy face of yours._

Soon, the admiral’s eyes shut down as well.

He also wished he wouldn't wake up all alone this time.  
  


> “This was _your_ idea, wasn’t it??”
> 
> “Dammit Bones. I _need_ you! Badly!”

**_Star Trek the Motion Picture_ , 1979.**


End file.
